好玩~！捏捏~

Edie Sedgwick,poor little rich girl....

363426397@qq.com(好玩~！捏捏~) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 02:36:31 GMT

最近阴差阳错的看了电影....突然就对Edie Sedgwick感兴趣了，查了些她的资料！虽然她家境显赫，但是真的是很可怜，看到电影后面，那些混混去她家拿她的首饰那一段真的是看不下去了！哎！！红颜薄命...

　　年少时期

　　伊迪·塞吉维克伊迪出生于加州Santa Barbara一个非常富有的新教徒家庭，伊迪的家族成员有精神疾病史，她的父亲Francis Minturn Sedgwick (1904-1967)是当地一个牧场主，在1929年与她母亲Alice Delano De Forest结婚之前，有过三次发病的历史。当时医生告诉他们不应该要孩子。他们最终还是生了八个孩子，伊迪是五个女孩儿中的老四，倒数第二小。后来，伊迪告诉朋友，“工厂”的明星Ultra Violet，在她小时候，父亲和一个哥哥曾企图诱奸她。有一次，伊迪发现父亲跟一个女人鬼混，她把这件事告诉母亲时，却被父亲说成“精神病”，并叫来了医生对她进行治疗。她告诉Ultra Violet说，“他们给了我大量的镇静剂，以致我失去了所有知觉。”

　　伊迪从小在Santa Ynez Valley一个3000亩的农场上长大，这个农场是父母用继承她外公的钱买来的。50年代农场里开采出了石油，家族因此变得富有起来，塞吉维克家的孩子在农场上的一所私立学校受教育，每天吃当地医生给的维生素B。

　　尽管家族富有，可伊迪却是在伤痛中长大。她的哥哥Minty自15岁起便酗酒，1964年在26岁生日的前一天，Minty在康涅狄格New Canaan的银山医院自杀身亡。她的另一个哥哥Bobby也长期受精神疾病折磨，50年代初期，在一次发病之后被送入专门机构进行治疗，那时他正在哈佛大学就读。1964年的新年前夜，他驾驶摩托车撞上了一辆公共汽车，两周后死去。

　　伊迪读书时患上了厌食症，病痛的折磨一直持续到她长大成人。1962年秋天，伊迪被送入银山精神病院进行治疗。在那她瘦到了90磅，随后她被转到管理更加严格的Bloomingdale医院。在休假期间，她不慎怀孕并做了一次流产。

　　60年代早期，伊迪居住在马萨诸塞州的剑桥，在拉德克利夫学院读书。伊迪在那学习雕刻，花费大量课余时间开派对，驾驶着她的奔驰兜风。

　　在她的临床医学家的办公室，她遇到刚从哈佛毕业的楚克·温（Chuck Wein），他过着波西米亚式的生活，把自己打扮成爱德华七世时代的花花公子。1964年，伊迪21岁，她离开剑桥去了纽约，搬进祖母的公寓与她同住，夜晚经常是在高级夜总会或者迪斯科舞厅中度过。

　　与沃霍尔的日子

　　安迪、伊迪和帝国大厦在伊迪来到纽约不久之后，楚克·温也来到纽约，他决心要把伊迪变成一个社交名媛。 1965年1月，伊迪在演员Lester Persky的家中认识了安迪•沃霍尔。从那以后，楚克·温便经常带伊迪到沃霍尔的工作室“工厂”（Factory）去，他不断地带伊迪踏入纽约的风月场，从而更进一步的进入上层社会。

　　一次，在伊迪和温拜访工作室时，沃霍尔在他的电影Vinyl的最后一分钟让伊迪出了镜。“这是伊迪在Warhol电影中的第二次表演，第一次是在Horse中做临时演员。当时沃霍尔对楚克·温并没有什么想法，只是被他的金发碧眼和俊朗外表所吸引，所以1965年，沃霍尔带着伊迪和温一起参加了在巴黎的一次公开展览。当沃霍尔回到纽约时，他对外宣布伊迪成为“工厂皇后”（“the queen of The Factory”），并让助手开始为她创作电影剧本。沃霍尔决定为伊迪拍摄影片《Beauty No. 2》，温则成为他的编剧和助手，在这部电影中伊迪将第一次在电影中出演主角。1965年7月17日，《Beauty No. 2》开始在实验电影院上映，伊迪初登银幕便被人们拿来与玛丽莲·梦露相比，并很快在独立电影圈里出了名。在那段时间里两个变得如胶似漆，不可分离，经常会穿着相互搭配或者类似的服饰出入。安迪身着黑白条纹套头衫，伊迪就会穿着黑色连裤袜，戴着呼蝴蝶般的假睫毛，两个人同时染成银色的头发，伊迪甚至称自己是“沃霍尔小姐”。但他们的友谊只维持到了1966年，当时由于伊迪的名气迅速提升，很多人都建议她离开安迪和他的工厂，去做一名真正的演员，这些人中就包括Bob Neuwirth。

　　补充： In March 1965, Sedgwick met artist and avant-garde filmmaker Andy Warhol at Lester Persky's apartment. She began going to The Factory regularly in March of 1965 with her friend, Chuck Wein. During one of those visits, Warhol was filming his interpretation of the novel, A Clockwork Orange, aptly titled, Vinyl. Despite Vinyl's all-male cast, Warhol put Sedgwick in the movie. She also made a small cameo appearance in another Warhol film, Horse, when she and fellow Factory regular Ondine entered towards the end of the film. Although Sedgwick's appearances in both films were brief, they generated so much interest that Warhol decided to create a vehicle in which she would star.

　　The first of those films, Poor Little Rich Girl, was originally conceived as part of a series featuring Edie called The Poor Little Rich Girl Saga. The series was to include Poor Little Rich Girl, Restaurant, Face, and Afternoon. Filming of Poor Little Rich Girl started in March of 1965 in Sedgwick's apartment. The first reel shows Sedgwick waking up, ordering coffee and orange juice, and putting on her makeup in silence with only an Everly Brothers record playing. Due to a problem with the camera lens, the footage on the first reel is completely out of focus. The second reel consists of Sedgwick smoking cigarettes, talking on the telephone, trying on clothes, and describing how she had spent her entire inheritance in six months.

　　On April 30, 1965, Warhol took Sedgwick, Chuck Wein and Gerard Malanga to the opening of his exhibit at the Sonnabend Gallery in Paris. Upon returning to New York City, Warhol asked his scriptwriter, Ron Tavel, to write a script for Sedgwick. The result was Kitchen, starring Sedgwick, Rene Ricard, Roger Trudeau, Donald Lyons and Elecktrah. After Kitchen, Chuck Wein replaced Ron Tavel as writer and assistant director for the filming of Beauty No. 2, in which Sedgwick appeared with Gino Piserchio. Beauty No. 2 premiered at the Film-Makers' Cinematheque at the Astor Place Playhouse on July 17.

　　Although Warhol's films were not generally a commercial success and were rarely seen outside The Factory, as Sedgwick's popularity grew mainstream media outlets began reporting on her appearances in Warhol's underground films and her unusual fashion sense that consisted of black leotards, mini dresses, and large chandelier earrings. Sedgwick also cut her hair short and colored her naturally brown hair with silver spray creating a similar look to the wigs Warhol wore. Warhol christened her his "Superstar" and both were photographed together at various social outings.

　　Throughout 1965, Sedgwick and Warhol continued to make films together, namely, Outer and Inner Space, Prison, Lupe and Chelsea Girls. However, by late 1965, Sedgwick and Warhol's relationship had deteriorated and Sedgwick requested that Warhol no longer show any of her films. She asked that the footage she filmed for Chelsea Girls be removed. Sedgwick's footage was replaced with footage of Nico with colored lights projected on her face and The Velvet Underground music playing in the background. The edited footage of Edie in Chelsea Girls would eventually become the film Afternoon.

　　Lupe is often thought to be Sedgwick's last Warhol film, but Sedgwick filmed The Andy Warhol Story with Rene Ricard in 1966, almost a year after she filmed Lupe. The Andy Warhol Story was an unreleased film that was only screened once at The Factory. The film featured Sedgwick, along with Rene Ricard, satirically pretending to be Andy Warhol. It is thought to be either lost or destroyed.

　　模特生涯

　　渐渐的，伊迪的风格也从纽约地下流行圈子里面浮出水面。当时的Vogue杂志评论说---白金的头发加上煤烟般的眼圈，以及摇摇晃晃的细腿。伊迪作为平面模特第一次出现在1966年3月15日出版的Vogue杂志上。她那略微带点儿男孩子气的天真神采成为世界上第一个“中性时尚”的经典。她甚至成为著名纽约设计师Betsey Johnson的头选试衣模特儿。慢慢的，伊迪开始同时在地上和地下社交圈中穿梭。

　　但是她并没有真正的被Vogue这个大家庭所接受，资深编辑Gloria Schiff曾说过“ she was identified in the gossip columns with the drug scene, and back then there was a certain apprehension about being involved in that scene... people were really terrified by it... drugs had done so much damage to young, creative, brilliant people that we were just anti that scene as a policy “。但是，Vogue的首席编辑Diana Vreeland称她为新青年文化的楷模。

　　Bob Dylan and Bob Neuwirth

　　Following her departure from Warhol's circle, Sedgwick began living at the Chelsea Hotel, where she became close to Bob Dylan. She is rumoured to have been one of the inspirations behind Dylan's seminal 1966 opus Blonde on Blonde, and the raucous stomper "Leopard-Skin Pill-Box Hat". It was also claimed that the phrase "your debutante" on the track "Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again" referred to her. Dylan's friends eventually convinced Sedgwick to sign up with Albert Grossman, Dylan's manager. Sedgwick and Dylan's relationship ended when Sedgwick found out that Dylan had married Sara Lownds in a secret ceremony – something that she apparently found out from Warhol during an argument at the Gingerman Restaurant in February 1966.

　　According to Paul Morrissey, Sedgwick had said: "'They're [Dylan's people] going to make a film and I'm supposed to star in it with Bobby [Dylan].' Suddenly it was Bobby this and Bobby that, and they realized that she had a crush on him. They thought he'd been leading her on, because just that day Andy had heard in his lawyer's office that Dylan had been secretly married for a few months - he married Sara Lowndes in November 1965... Andy couldn't resist asking, 'Did you know, Edie, that Bob Dylan has gotten married?' She was trembling. They realized that she really thought of herself as entering a relationship with Dylan, that maybe he hadn't been truthful."[1]

　　Several weeks before the December 29, 2006 one-week release of the controversial film Factory Girl, described by The Village Voice review as "Edie for Dummies"[2], the Weinstein Company and the film's producers interviewed Sedgwick's older brother, Jonathan, who asserted that she had "had an abortion of the child she was (supposedly) carrying by Dylan[3]". Jonathan Sedgwick, a retired aeroplane designer, was flown in from Idaho to New York City by the distributor to meet the starlet playing his late sister, Sienna Miller, as well as to give an eight-hour video interview with details about the purported liaison between Edie and Dylan, which the distributor promptly released to the news media. Jonathan claims an abortion took place soon after "Edie was badly hurt in a motorcycle crash and sent to an emergency unit. As a result of the accident, doctors consigned her to a mental hospital where she was treated for drug addiction." No hospital records or Sedgwick family records exist to support this story. Nonetheless, Edie's brother also claimed "Staff found she was pregnant but, fearing the baby had been damaged by her drug use and anorexia, forced her to have the abortion[4][5]".

　　However, according to Edie Sedgwick's personal medical records and oral life-history tape recorded less than a year before her death for her final film, Ciao! Manhattan, there is credible evidence that the only abortion she underwent in her lifetime was at age 20 in 1963. Throughout most of 1966, Sedgwick was involved in an intensely private yet tumultuous relationship not with Bob Dylan, but with Dylan's closest friend, Bob Neuwirth. During this period, she became increasingly dependent on barbiturates. Although she experimented with illegal substances including opiates, there is no evidence that Sedgwick ever became a heroin addict. In early 1967, Neuwirth, unable to cope with Sedgwick's drug abuse and erratic behavior, broke off their relationship.

　　Later years

　　Image:Edie1.jpg

　　Screenshot of Edie Sedgwick (center) from Ciao! Manhattan.Sedgwick auditioned for Norman Mailer's play The Deer Park, but Mailer thought she "wasn't very good... She used so much of herself with every line that we knew she'd be immolated after three performances".[6]

　　In April 1967, Sedgwick began shooting Ciao! Manhattan, an underground movie. After initial footage was shot in New York, co-directors John Palmer and David Weisman continued working on the film over the course of the next five years. Sedgwick's rapidly deteriorating health saw her return to her family in California, spending time in several different psychiatric institutions. In August 1969, she was hospitalized in the psychiatric ward of Cottage Hospital after being arrested for drug offenses by the local police. While in the hospital, Sedgwick met another patient, Michael Post, whom she would later marry. Sedgwick was in the hospital again in the summer of 1970, but was let out under the supervision of a psychiatrist, two nurses, and the live-in care of filmmaker John Palmer and his wife Janet. Staunchly determined to finish Ciao! Manhattan and have her story told, Sedgwick recorded audio-tapes reflecting upon her life story, which enabled Weisman and Palmer to incorporate her actual reality into the film's dramatic arc.

　　Death

　　When Sedgwick married Post in July of 1971, she reportedly stopped drinking and abusing drugs. Her sobriety lasted until October, when pain medication was given to her to treat a physical illness. She remained under the care of Dr. Wells, who prescribed her barbiturates, but she would demand more pills or say she had lost them in order to get more. Sedgwick often combined the medications with alcoholic beverages such as vodka – such a combination can cause death in its own right.

　　On the night of November 15, 1971, Sedgwick went to a fashion show at the Santa Barbara Museum, a segment of which was filmed for the television show An American Family. After the fashion show, she attended a party and was supposedly attacked by a drunken guest who called her a heroin addict. Sedgwick phoned Post, who arrived at the party and, seeing that she was disturbed by the accusations, took her back to their apartment around one in the morning. On the way home, Sedgwick expressed thoughts about the uncertainty of their marriage. Before they both fell asleep, Post gave Edie the medication that had been prescribed for her. According to Post, Sedgwick started to fall asleep very quickly, and her breathing was, "bad – it sounded like there was a big hole in her lungs," but he attributed that to Edie's heavy smoking habit and went to sleep. When Post awoke the following morning, Edie was dead. The coroner ruled Sedgwick's death as "undetermined/accident/suicide". The time of death was estimated to be 9:20 A.M. The death certificate claims the immediate cause was "probable acute barbiturate intoxication" due to ethanol intoxication. Sedgwick's alcohol level was registered at 0.17% and her barbiturate level was 0.48mg%. She was 28.

　　Sedgwick was buried in the small Oak Hill Cemetery in Ballard, California in a simple grave. Her headstone reads "Edith Sedgwick Post - Wife Of Michael Brett Post 1943-1971". The family attended her memorial service.

　　琐事

　　Bob Dylan的经典歌曲"Just Like A Woman"和"Like A Rolling Stone" 很大程度上来源于他和伊迪的关系。 (安迪·沃霍尔也被揣测为"Like A Rolling Stone"中的那位"Napoleon in rags.")。

　　Misha Sedgwick2004年在百老汇剧中演绎了她。

　　2006年的影片Factory Girl讲述了她的故事，主演是Sienna Miller。

　　1989年英国摇滚乐队The Cult发布了新专辑"Sonic Temple"。其中的一首歌叫"Edie (Ciao Baby)"，是专门献给伊迪的。

　　影片列表

　　Ciao Manhattan (1972)

　　**** (1967)

　　The Andy Warhol Story (1967)

　　Color Me Shameless (1967)

　　Outer and Inner Space (1966)

　　Lupe (1966)

　　Beauty #2 (1965)

　　Horse (1965)

　　Kitchen (1965)

　　Poor Little Rich Girl (1965)

　　Restaurant (1965)

　　Space (1965)

　　Vinyl (1965)

　　参考

　　↑ Stein, Jean, George Plimpton, ed. Edie: American Girl, Grove Press, 1982, page 284.

　　↑ http://www.villagevoice.com/film/0706,lee,75716,20.html

　　↑ http://www.nypost.com/seven/01022007/gossip/pagesix/pagesix.htm

　　↑ http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2087-2534786.html

　　↑ http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2774-2540341,00.html

　　↑ Stein, Jean, George Plimpton, ed. Edie: American Girl, Grove Press, 1982, page 314

　　外部链接

　　Information about Edie Sedgwick

　　Edie Nation

　　Chapters on Edie Sedgwick

　　Edie Sedgwick myspace

　　Edie: Girl on Fire

　　Girl on Fire

　　Edie: Girl on Fire author David Weisman 2007 SuicideGirls interview by Daniel Robert Epstein

　　Edie Sedgwick

　　取自http://www.cinewiki.cn/w/Edie_Sedgwick

Edie是个充满传奇色彩的女孩儿. 说她是女孩儿, 因为她稍稍有些娃娃的脸上总是浮现着孩童般的神色，同时又是个极其有魅力的女人。她那种迷人的女性风采，略带天真的气质，让一代艺术家而倾倒。
出身于一个艺术家庭，也有传言说她有一个略微显赫的背景，不管怎么说，她的童年是略带悲剧色彩的。两个兄弟都有精神分裂，曾被先后送入医院。Edie自己也未能幸免，思想偏执的父亲曾劝诱她也进医院治疗。她在惴惴不安下从美国西海岸逃到纽约。
在那儿，在那个疯狂的战后60年代，纽约是世界的中心，而Edie，也如鱼得水，慢慢成为纽约的中心。略有神经质的女孩儿在一次party上认识了初得世人瞩目的波普艺术家Andy Warhol。Andy那著名的现代流行艺术的风范和Edie一拍即合。Andy Warhol成立的独立电影公司取名Factory，工厂，Edie很多成为了“工厂”的主流人物。

他们两个变得如胶似漆，不可分离，经常会穿着相互搭配或者类似的服饰出入。Andy身着黑白条纹套头衫，Edie就会穿着黑色连裤袜，戴着呼蝴蝶般的假睫毛，两个人同时染成银色的头发。她是他的灵感女神。甚至有传言，Edie从来不曾卸妆，而不过第二天早上再涂上去一层。他们在一起共同合作了不少独立电影，其中著名的有Vinyl，Chelsea Girl，还有最出名的Ciao！Manhattan。
渐渐的，Edie的风格也从纽约地下流行圈子里面浮出水面。当时的Vogue杂志评论说---白金的头发加上煤烟般的眼圈，以及摇摇晃晃的细腿。她甚至成为著名纽约设计师Betsey Johnson的头选试衣模特儿。那略微带点儿男孩子气的天真神采成为世界上第一个“中性时尚”的经典。于是，Edie同时在地上和地下社交圈中任意穿梭着。
但是没过多久，Edie就碰到了她生命中的另一个男人，Bob Dylan，发现自己很难在两个现代艺术家之间取舍。她决定跟着自己的心走，跟随了Dylan，传说Dylan的著名歌曲中有至少三首都是以Edie为灵感创作的。写的就是她。的确，她是艺术家们的缪斯。
但是，Dylan没有实现和Edie的共同合作，他们之间承诺的几个电影也都很快夭折。当Dylan结婚之后，Edie彻底的崩溃了，再回转头去找Warhol，却不再相信背叛他的Edie，整个Factory圈子中人都对Edie冷淡下来。也有人对Warhol的做法不满，认为两个人当年刚开始接触的时候Warhol本来就对Edie动机不纯，其实是看上了这个出身富贵的神经质女子的银子。
友人指责Warhol说他诱惑了Edie，让她染上毒瘾，但是Warhol一直否认说他和Edie从来没有一起碰过毒品。不管怎么说，这个目前身心憔悴的女孩子为了Warhol花了不少钱。至少，时尚杂志也拒绝使用她的图片，理由为她的毒瘾形象对杂志读者有害。可是，人们都知道，在时尚和艺术的圈子里面谁不是或多或少的接触毒呢？！
伊迪作为平面模特第一次出现在1966年3月15日出版的Vogue杂志上。但在之前的1965年，他曾出现在9月出版的LIFE杂志上，并被当年的Vogue誉为是60年代青年运动（Youthquake）风潮的代表人物“Youthquakers”。

但是她并没有真正的被Vogue这个大家庭所接受，资深编辑Gloria Schiff曾说过“ she was identified in the gossip columns with the drug scene, and back then there was a certain apprehension about being involved in that scene... people were really terrified by it... drugs had done so much damage to young, creative, brilliant people that we were just anti that scene as a policy “。
但是，Vogue的首席编辑Diana Vreeland称她为新青年文化的楷模。
<与沃霍尔的日子>
在伊迪来到纽约不久之后，楚克·温也来到纽约，他决心要把伊迪变成一个社交名媛。 1965年1月，伊迪在演员Lester Persky的家中认识了安迪•沃霍尔。从那以后，楚克·温便经常带伊迪到沃霍尔的工作室“工厂”（Factory）去，他不断地带伊迪踏入纽约的风月场，从而更进一步的进入上层社会。
一次，在伊迪和温拜访工作室时，沃霍尔在他的电影Vinyl的最后一分钟让伊迪出了镜。“这是伊迪在Warhol 电影中的第二次表演，第一次是在Horse中做临时演员。当时沃霍尔对楚克·温并没有什么想法，只是被他的金发碧眼和俊朗外表所吸引，所以1965年，沃霍尔带着伊迪和温一起参加了在巴黎的一次公开展览。当沃霍尔回到纽约时，他对外宣布伊迪成为“工厂皇后”（“the queen of The Factory”），并让助手开始为她创作电影剧本。

沃霍尔决定为伊迪拍摄影片《Beauty No. 2》，温则成为他的编剧和助手，在这部电影中伊迪将第一次在电影中出演主角。1965年7月17日，《Beauty No. 2》开始在实验电影院上映，伊迪初登银幕便被人们拿来与玛丽莲·梦露相比，并很快在独立电影圈里出了名。在那段时间里，沃霍尔和伊迪经常穿着相似的服装，伊迪甚至称自己是“沃霍尔小姐”。但他们的友谊只维持到了1966年，当时由于伊迪的名气迅速提升，很多人都建议她离开安迪和他的工厂，去做一名真正的演员，这些人中就包括Bob Neuwirth。
Edie的光辉慢慢的昏暗下来，报纸质问Warhol她究竟在哪里，他却推说一点儿消息没有，这个女孩子完全消失了，而实质上Edie却在不同的医院中进进出出。终于有一天，Edie突然结婚了，并且努力要过一个健康的生活，婚后的6个月都没有碰过毒品。在1971年的11月15号，人们看到她出席一个时尚聚会，神色看起来健康而稳定。之后聚会中的一个闹事者粗鲁的喊她“瘾君子”，Edie被匆忙送出宴会，丈夫接她回家，在服用了一点儿镇定药物之后，Edie安顿下来。
第二天早晨，她的丈夫发现28岁的Edie冰冷的躺在身边。没有人确定是否是药物的副作用，但是大家都清楚，Edie从年少开始就有自杀的倾向。
Edie的一生，绽放过，灿烂过。她却从来不知，自己那经典的黑白形象，再加上招牌式的长耳环，深深影响着世界，直到21世纪。设计师John Galliano在05年给CD的系列就是从Edie得来灵感。 Galliano由衷的说---Edie一直独自跳着自己的舞步，从来不曾和别人苟同，我想这就是为什么吸引Andy Warhol的原因。她有着自己的独立，未曾跟随过任何潮流。也许她只拥有过那么15分钟的名声，但是Edie的风格和形象影响着整个一代人。

干啥都不容易呀。。。

363426397@qq.com(好玩~！捏捏~) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 02:39:06 GMT

今天经过covent garden正好看到电台在拍摄做菜的节目，里面的主持人在切洋葱的时候，不小心正好切到手指。但是脸上还是不动生色，继续录制节目，当时看到摄影师动作还真是快呀。。手被切之后，马上镜头转到脸上，把被切的镜头切换掉，但是我离远看还是能看到主持人的手指在流血。。。。而且继续在那拌salad..有的镜头还拍两遍。我才知道原来做菜这种节目中间也能反复拍呀。。还好不是live..live估计超难拍的。最后她做完之后大家一顿掌声，哈哈！！但是拍摄的觉得气氛不够热烈，说周围的观众可以大声欢呼。。结果最后的结尾片断又重新拍了一遍，摄影师的镜头扫了一圈。。说到这突然想起以前那个飞跃Tower bridge 的那个拍摄了。。比这个还辛苦。。一段台词反复拍了10多遍，周围好几个人在那对词。。哎，干啥都不容易呀！！
有人知道这个女主持人是谁吗？？

Michael,you are the king!This is it...

363426397@qq.com(好玩~！捏捏~) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 23:46:41 GMT

早就听说要放,而且只在电影院播放两周，本来以为票会很难买，所以早早就计划买票去看。刚开始是在网上定的票，结果我的卡不能用，于是今天在第一天，中午就趁着课间休息的时间把票早早买好，等着晚上放学去看。晚上到了电影院之后人没有想像的多，可以说一点也不多。连动画片《up》的票都是卖光了，结果票还有很多，当时有点后悔，中午赶着火车来买票。心里想会不会是看过的人说不好呀，所以晚上没人看了（因为世界同步播放的关系，英国的第一场是在早上4点，没错，凌晨4点，一点的时候歌迷就都守侯在电影院门口了，当然不是我去的这个）。最开始放的都是网上事先放的预告片的片断，我心里想不会就是真是this is it,结果越往后看越精彩，Michael看其来真不象是50岁而且重病缠身的人，他唱起以前的经典曲目的时候还是那么完美，他跳起舞来还是那么自然。真的是很精彩呀。觉得没白让我跑这么远买票看这么一场电影，但是说起来这并不是一场电影，其实是一场在大屏幕播放的演唱会+幕后花絮。。。。
建议没看的人赶快去看吧，绝对不会令你们失望的！！
Michael,you are the king!This is it...

Fuck My Life[最近转得很多的老外囧事] (三)

363426397@qq.com(好玩~！捏捏~) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 03:13:46 GMT

Today, I received a letter in the mail stating that I had won a trip to Cancun, Mexico. It looked like a scam so I threw it away. I later found out that it was a birthday present from my cousin and the envelope also contained a check for 5 thousand dollars to help cover some expenses. FML
今天我收到了一封信，告诉我说我赢得了去墨西哥坎昆旅游的机会。看起来像诈骗，我就把它给扔了。之后我知道那是表哥给我的礼物，而且信封里还有张5000美金的支票，给我花销用的。FML

Today, my mother invited me to a nice restaurant to meet her boyfriend whom she's been seriously dating for a month. Imagine my surprise when she led me to a table and my boyfriend's father stood up, shocked, to greet me. Rather than being horrified, she is now planning double dates every week. FML

今天我妈带我去了家很贵的馆子，让我见见她很认真交往了一个月的男朋友。看到我男朋友的爸爸坐在那张桌子旁时，我和他都震惊了。结果我妈不仅没震惊，还准备每周都搞四人约会。FML

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend. He was at the police station for breaking into a model home to have sex with the girl he's been cheating on me with for the past 4 months. I was his one phone call. He was expecting me to bail him out. FML

今天我接到了我BF的电话。他在局子里，因为他闯进了一个模特的家，企图和她OX，而他这四个月都在和这个模特劈腿。我是他的联系人，他希望我把他保出去。FML

Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML

今天我才知道，我GF常跟我说起的四个女性好朋友其实是电视剧“性欲都市”里的四个女主角。我女朋友居然有幻想朋友。FML

Today, for our one year anniversary, my boyfriend decided to make me a patchwork blanket. The thing is, the patches were stains from bedsheets from where the 'wet spot' was. He thought it was romantic. FML

今天，为了纪念我们恋爱一周年，我BF决定给我做一个拼布毯子。问题在于，那些拼布的素材都是床单上他打飞机留下的精痕。他觉着那样挺浪漫。FML
Today, I came home to find my dad crying. Turns out my parents are getting divorced because my mom had an affair. With a teacher at my school. A female teacher. And the school isn't going to fire her because she's a good teacher. Every day at school I'm going to have to see her. FML

今天我回家，发现我爸在哭。原来我妈和他离了，因为我妈有外遇了，和一个我学校的老师。一个女老师。而且学校不会开除她，因为她是个好老师。现在我每天都要在学校里看见我这个新“妈爸”。FML

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend in town. We broke up a year ago because he "moved" to Florida. FML

今天，我遇见了我的EX。我们一年前分手了，因为他要“搬去佛罗里达”。FML

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

今天我准备在湖边我买的船上向GF求婚。正当我们在船上欣赏着周围的湖光山色时，她傲娇地把我推进了湖里。当我爬回船上时，我发现不仅我的手机报废了，那颗大钻戒也掉进了湖里。FML
Today, I was looking at my friend's dad's Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status 软妹子. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it's my mom in a wig. FML

今天我在我朋友老爸的facebook相册里看他新上传的照片。我看到他在一个酒吧里和一个很丑的妓女在一起，而且他在每张照片里看起来都很享受。在经过10分钟对那个丑女人的惨无人道的嘲笑后，我发现那是我妈戴着假发。FML

Today, my boss told me he is a superhero. He has written countless comics about his crusades and adventures. I make fifty dollars an hour less than him. FML

今天我老板告诉我他是个超级英雄。他画了好多关于他的战斗和冒险的漫画。而我的时薪比这么样一个人要少50美元。FML

Today my husband's rich aunt and uncle came in town and handed us an envelope and said we hope this helps out with the student loans. Inside the envelope was just an article on new student loan procedures and how to get lower payments. FML

今天我老公的富有的大伯夫妇来到城里，给了我们一个信封，说他们希望信封里的东西能帮助我们解决孩子的贷款问题。信封里是一篇关于新生贷款程序和如何取得更低付款的文章。FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and refused to give me back the condoms I'd just bought. Why? Because she wants to use them with the guys she's been cheating on me with. FML

今天我GF和我分了，而且还不还给我我掏钱买的TT。为啥？因为她想和她劈腿的那位一起用。FML

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I got reservations for a romantic dinner, and at the end, fireworks would spell out my proposal. The whole thing had taken weeks to plan out and had cost me a lot of money. She proposed to me at a subway station first. FML.

今天我准备向我三年的女友求婚，我在一个很浪漫的馆子订了位子，并且在这顿饭的最后，烟花会把我的话给打出来。这整件事花了我好几个星期去计划、花了我一大笔钱。结果她今天先在一个地铁站向我求婚了。FML

Today, I thought my boyfriend of 6 years was going to propose to me. We're highschool sweethearts and he was my first. Just when he was looking into my eyes he says, " I've been seeing someone else for 2 years and I'm choosing her over you... it was a tough decision". FML

今天，我想我6年的男友将要向我求婚。我们高中开始就在一起，他是我的初恋。当他深情地凝望着我的时候他说：“我和另外一个女人交往两年了，我最终选择了你而不是她……这真是个艰难的决定。”FML

Today, my girlfriend came over to talk. She just got back from a small vacation. She asked me to feed her dogs while she was gone, so I did. I even stayed with them at times so they wouldnt get lonely. My girlfriend had come over to break up with me. She didn't do so earlier because she needed her dogs fed. FML

今天我女友过来和我分手。她刚度假回来，她走之前让我喂她的狗，我喂了，我甚至经常陪着它们以免它们孤单。她不早点跟我分手就是因为她没人喂狗。FML

Today, I made a bowl of spaghetti for me and my girlfriend. I was trying that move from Lady and the Tramp where the boy and the girl both slurp the same piece of spagetti and end up kissing. Only when I tried it, my spagetti went down too far in my throat and I ended up throwing it up on her. FML

今天我给我和我GF做了碗意大利面。我从《小姐与流氓》学到了这招，男生和女生吸同一根面条，最后就可以浪漫地嘴对嘴。当我这么做时，我那头的意面一直深入到了我喉咙里让我犯恶心，我把它呕向了她。FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. We did it in his bedroom where he had all of his anime models on display. I accidentally knocked over one of his models and it fell on to the floor. He got angry and kicked me out. Apparently, making his models look good was more important than us making love. FML

今天我和我BF在OX，我们在他的卧室里做，那里有很多他做的动画手办。做到兴头上我不小心撞到了一个手办，那玩意儿掉在了地上。他立马毛了，当时就让我滚蛋了。很显然，他丫的就是一死塑料小人宅。FML

Today, I was talking to the girl I've liked for 2 years. We were assigned partners for a History project so we were going to work on it at my house. When she asked me for directions, I told her I lived on Woodcock Road. She yelled slapped me and stormed off. I was serious. FML

今天我和我暗恋了2年的姑娘聊天，我们俩在一起做一个历史项目，所以我们准备到我家去做。她问我我家在那儿，我告诉她我住在木屌路。她给了我一巴掌，气愤的离开了。我真的住在木屌路。FML

Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML

今天我才明白，别以为你BF答应你结婚，就真的会在婚礼上出现了。FML
Today, I went on a date with a girl. She drove while texting someone then stopped at a house and told me to wait in the car. She left her phone so I looked at the last text and it says "I'm here for the quicky". Our "date" was a decoy to throw her mom off so she could have sex with another guy. FML

今天我和一妞儿约会，她一边开车一边和某人发短信，然后在一个房子前停下来，叫我在车里等着。她忘带手机了，我看了最后一条消息，上面说：“我等不及要来一发了。”和我约会只是向她妈妈解释的借口，这样她才好和那个男人做爱。FML

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. On our way to the Space Needle I was pulled over and promptly arrested. Apparently, I had recently purchased a car from a man who had robbed a jewelery store. The ring is now evidence. FML

今天我准备向GF求婚。在我们去太空针塔（西雅图）的路上，我被警察叫停，而且立马就给逮捕了。很显然，他们把我和这辆车的前主人——现在我知道他是个珠宝大盗——搞混了。而我身上的钻戒就是证据。FML

Today, I found out that my wife gave me head lice on purpose so I would have to cut off the ponytail that I've been growing since '99. FML

今天我才发现我头上的那些跳蚤是我老婆故意放的，就为了让我剪断我从1999年就开始留的马尾辫。FML

Today, I received a "diamond ring" in Mafia Wars (a facebook app) from my boyfriend of 3 years. Along with the ring came a message. It read, "Will you marry me?" He was serious. FML

今天我在黑手党战争（一个facebook游戏）里收到了我交往三年的BF给我的一个“钻戒”道具。哦对了，还有条消息：“嫁给我好吗？”他是认真的。FML

Today, I went to TGI Friday's with my crush. At the end of our meal, the waitress gave us mints with the bill. He said something that made me laugh, and I began choking on my mint. After a few coughs, I finally managed to get it out. It hit him in the forehead and landed in his drink. FML
今天我和我很着迷的某人去了星期五餐厅，在要吃完的时候，侍者送来了账单和薄荷糖。我吃了一粒，他说了一句逗我笑的话，我开始咳嗽，薄荷糖卡嗓子眼儿里了。咳了一阵我终于把那玩意儿弄出来了，薄荷糖从我喉咙里飞了出来，打到他的额头，掉进了他的饮料里。FML

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me because "god told him to." What god didn't tell him was that I would check his e-mail and find all the e-mails to and from his new girlfriend. FML

今天我BF和我分手了，因为“这是上帝的旨意”。那么上帝没告诉他我会检查他的邮件并且发现他和新女友偷情的e-mail么？FML

Today, my wife gave me back my camera which she took on vacation to visit her parents with our 2-year old. I noticed the picture sequence had big gaps in the numbering. I ran an un软妹子 on the card, and found 80+ pictures of her naked with another guy in her mom's bedroom. FML

今天我老婆把她和我们两岁的孩子去拜访她父母时借去的相机还给我了。我发现照片编号的数字很大，就用恢复文件恢复这张记忆卡，结果发现80多张她光着身子和另外一个男人在一起的照片，还是在她妈妈的卧室里。FML
Today, I proposed to a girl I'd been in love with for 6 years. I filled the balcony of the building where I'd first laid eyes on her with innumerable roses and, under the starlit sky, I did it. She later posted on facebook 'OMG. This geek I knew from high school did the FUNNIEST thing today'. FML

今天我向一个我爱了六年的女孩儿求婚。我用玫瑰把和她初识那大楼的阳台给塞满了，然后，在幽幽星空下，我求婚了。她之后在facebook上发了这么一条消息：“这个我从高中就认识的臭宅做了件超超超搞笑的事儿”。FML

Today, I was at a party at the house of the guy I really like. We were talking when he pulled me into his room. I was excited he was finally taking our friendship to the next level, until he handed me a stick of deodorant, saying "I didn't wanna tell you in the hallway, but you really need this." FML

今天，我在一个我很喜欢的男人家参加派对。我们正聊着，他突然把我拽进了他的房间。我暗爽我们的友谊终于能进化到下一个阶段了，结果他拿了一瓶防臭剂给我，说：“我不想在过道里指出来，但你真的得用这个。”FML

Today, I asked the girl I am in love with out on a date. She asked me for my name. FML

今天我问我深爱的女孩儿能不能出去约会。她问我你的名字是什么。FML

Today, my best guy friend set me up on a blind date. Almost immediately after the guy and I sat down, he excused himself to make a call. A couple of feet away from our table, I heard him say, "Come on, Justin, this is the best you could do??" Over the phone. Justin is the guy who set us up. FML

今天我最好的男性朋友给我安排了一场相亲。就在我和他入座的时候，他跟我说他要去打个电话。周围某张桌子上有个男人在接电话，我听到他说：“拜托啊贾斯丁，你就找不到更好的了吗？”贾斯丁就是我那个男性朋友。FML

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me to a movie after days of not seeing me. This long awaited date involved me paying for food and my movie ticket when he ran out of cash again. He then dumped me as we left the theater walking to his car. Well, I financed my own breakup date. FML

好长时间没见面了，今天我男友想和我去约会看电影。这场我等了好久的约会要我自己买食物、买电影票，因为丫又没钱了。然后在看完电影之后他就把我甩了。FML

Today, my wife and I decided to try a relationship book. The first activity was to write down some things your partner does that bothers you. I made a very long list, then my wife and I swapped papers. She'd written, "nothing, I love everything about you." She read my list and began tearing up. FML

今天我老婆和我准备写一本感情小册子。第一件事就是写下你的伴侣让你反感的事儿。我列了很长的一张表，然后我们俩交换着看。她的纸上只写了一句话：“没有反感，我爱你的所有。”她看着我的那张表，哭了。FML

Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML

今天我花80加刀换了我的手机号码，因为我的前女友总是跟踪我。为了告诉所有人我的新号码，我给通讯录里的所有人发了条群发短信。这个“所有人”也包括她。FML
下面是中国专场

河南
Today, after 9 months in our relationship, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. We had incredible, mind-blowing sex. An hour later, he broke up with me because apparently "my orgasm face is ugly." FML

今天，在9个月的交往之后，我们一对儿处男处女终于把事儿办了。我们做了场爽到不行的爱。然后一个小时之后他和我分手了，因为我“高潮时候的表情太丑了”。FML

北京
Today, I began my job volunteering at an orphanage in Beijing, China, working with 7-year-olds who just started learning english. We played a game where, if you got caught, you had to sing a song. I got caught, so I chose the ABCs. They all knew the song perfectly, I missed 3 letters. FML

今天我在中国北京的一家孤儿院开始了我的志愿者工作，教一群7岁的小孩儿英语。我们玩你被抓住就得唱歌的游戏，我被抓了，所以我唱字母歌。结果他们都会唱字幕歌，我唱漏了三个字母。FML

北京
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her mom gave me some seasoned cauliflower, which I didn't like. Not wanting to dissapoint my girlfriend's mom, I slipped the cauliflower of my plate and gave it to their dog. It turns out cauliflower gives their dog explosive diarrhea. FML

今天我在我GF家吃晚饭。她妈妈给我一些风干的花椰菜，我不喜欢吃。为了不让我未来丈母娘失望，我偷偷地把花椰菜挪出盘子，倒给她们家的狗吃。结果那狗开始狂拉稀。FML

天津
Today, I was the best man at a wedding and I was flirting with a cute bridesmaid. Then this old guy decides to give the newlyweds a toast. He made a crappy joke and barely anybody laughed. So I say to the girl "Wow that sucked, who the hell does he think he is?" The girl replies "That's my dad". FML
今天我在一婚礼上做伴郎，并且成功地勾搭上了一漂亮伴娘。然后有个老头给新郎新娘敬酒，他讲了个很屎的冷笑话，根本没人笑。我对那伴娘说：“真够烂的，他以为他谁啊？”她说：“我爸。”FML

北京
Today, I returned home from college and saw a framed picture of my parents and my younger sister on an elephant in an exotic jungle. I pointed to the picture and asked my mom, "Is this some photoshop job?" She responded, "No, we went to Thailand for a family trip, didn't we tell you?" FML

今天我从大学回家，看到了一张我爸妈和我妹妹再森林里骑大象的照片。我指着照片问我妈说：“这是PS的吧？”她回答：“不啊，我们全家去泰国旅游了，没告诉你吗？”FML

上海
Today, I daringly tried that fish bath thingy (the one where all the fish come to you and eat all of your skin's dead cells). I submerged into it and after 15 minutes of being a human buffet, 20 of the fish died. FML
今天我毅然决然地尝试了鱼啄浴（就是会有很多医生鱼来吃你身上的角质那种）。我浸在水中、充当了15分钟的人体自助餐后，发现有20条鱼死了。FMLToday, I was riding my motorcycle. Suddenly, I saw my cheating ex-wife walking down the road. As a sign of anger, I spat my gum towards her. I forgot that my helmet's visor was still down, so when I spat, the gum stuck against it. I was temporarily blinded and I crashed into the bushes. FML

今天,我在騎摩托車.突然,我看到我出軌的前妻在路邊走著.出於憤怒,我把口中的口香糖吐向她.但是我忘記了我的安全帽帽遮還是蓋著的.所以當我吐的時候,口香糖粘在了上面讓我看不到前方.然後我一頭連車撞進了路邊的灌木叢中
Today, my mom asked me if I was crying because my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. That wasn't why I was crying. My mom knows things before I do. FML

今天,我媽問我哭了的原因是不是因為我的男友對我不忠,還和我最好的朋友搞上了.但那並不是我哭的原因,因為我還不知道這件事情.
Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She also confessed that she has been cheating on me with my best friend for 10 years. I appreciated the honesty, but was slightly upset considering we have only been married for 9 years. FML

今天我老婆告诉我她想离婚，她还承认她和我最好的朋友偷情10年了。我感激她的诚实，但也有点儿不爽，因为我们俩结婚才9年。FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going out tonight to celebrate his ex-but-still-friends-girlfriend's birthday at a local club and hopes I wasn't offended that I wasn't invited. I sure am offended; we have the same birthday. FML

今天，我BF告诉我他今晚要去一个夜总会参加他“分手后仍然是朋友”的前女友的生日聚会，他希望我不要因为没被邀请到而不爽。我当然有不爽。我和她生日是同一天。FML

Today, I was at work doing phone computer support helping a woman with her computer. I asked her to close all her open windows. She 软妹子d all the important company 软妹子s in the open folder instead. I got fired because "close windows" and "软妹子" have become "too technical" for users. FML

今天我通过电话服务帮一个女人修电脑。我让她把开着的窗口都关掉，她就把所有的重要文件都删了。然后我就被炒了，因为“关掉窗口”和“删除”对于用户来说“太技术性”了。FML

Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML

今天我BF来我家“找点儿乐子”。我们准备做爱，结果，他前戏的方式就是把我的两个奶子挤到一起，让它们相互说话。FML

Today, I told my boyfriend I was really horny. He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". He said I should do it for him. It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. FML

今天我告诉我男朋友其实我是个痴女。他给了我一个链接，告诉我说那是他最喜欢的A片，我应该为他做那里面的事情。结果那是youtube上一个女孩做三明治的视频。FML

Today, I came home about two hours early from a friend's party. After I walked in and upstairs, I quickly and quietly left and went back to the party. I guess my parents decided to have a little party as well. It's called a threesome with my neighbor. They still don't know that I know. FML

今天因为去参加朋友聚会，我到家比平时早了两个小时。我走上楼梯，然后突然我掉头就走，回我朋友的聚会去了。我猜我爸妈也在开一个聚会。聚会的名字叫“和咱们的邻居玩儿3P”。他们不知道我知道这事儿。FML

Today, I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied." FML

今天我鼓起勇气告诉我爸妈我要换卧室，因为听他们做爱实在是又尴尬又吵人。然后，我爸走过来，用很平和的语气问我我妈在做爱的时候听起来是不是很爽。FML

Today, I got a letter in the mail about my periodic health assessment for active duty Soldiers. I came back positive for two curable STD's that are extremely common on Fort Polk. I haven't had sex with anyone but my wife. FML

今天我收到了一封信，内容是我作为在职士兵的周期健康评估。结果我在两项可治愈的性病中都呈阳性，这两个性病在Fort Polk美军基地很常见。问题是，我就没和老婆之外的人做过爱。FML

Today, it was my fifth wedding anniversary. After an intense lovemaking session, my husband looked lovingly into my eyes and asked, "How do you feel about polygamy?" FML

今天是我们结婚五周年纪念日。在一阵激烈的啪啪啪之后，我老公深情地凝望着我，问我：“你觉得一夫多妻制怎么样？”FML

Today, at the end of a night of heavy drinking, I decided it was a good idea to go off into the park with a friend of mine. We ended up fooling around in the park, when a couple of kids stole our clothes. We had to walk back to town with no clothes on. FML

今天晚上，在喝了很多酒之后，我决定和我的一个男性朋友去公园。我们最后在公园里亲热起来，结果几个小屁孩儿把我们的衣服偷了。我们得光着身子走回去。FML

Today, my drunk boyfriend told me he thought of new positions for us to try in bed because it was getting boring. We haven't had sex yet. FML

今天，我喝醉酒的BF告诉我说他想到了一些新体位因为那些老体位开始显得无聊了。问题在于，我们就没做过爱。FML

Today, I was on my girlfriend's computer. When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. The first thing was"Best positions for a small penis." FML

今天我在用我GF的电脑。在用google搜索的时候，她的搜索记录显示出来了。第一条就是“和小鸡巴的男人做爱要用什么体位”。FML

Today, my younger brother, who is 15, had to show me the quickest way to take off a woman's bra. I'm 12 years older than he is. FML

今天，我15岁的弟弟，教我怎么用最快的速度脱掉一个女人的胸罩。老子比他大12岁。FML

Today, I was working at the gas station. An old lady was watching me fill her gas tank. A really beautiful girl walked by. I lost concentration and overfilled the tank. I quickly pulled it out and squirted the old lady with a bit of petrol. She was smiling and gave a slight moan. FML

今天我在加油站给一个老女人加油。一个很漂亮的姑娘走过，我一时失神不小心加多了。我迅速把加油枪把了出来，一些汽油喷在了老女人身上。她对我微笑，发出了一声满足的呻吟。FML

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

今天我在和BF看电视的时候心血来潮地给他打飞机。在他喷发过后，我想要尝试一个我在A片里学到的动作——用牙齿帮他把拉链拉上去。结果他的包皮卡在拉链里了，接下来的几小时我们都在急诊室里度过。FML
Today, I was in the car with my mom and dad. My mom turned around and asked, "Have you had sex yet?" I said no, which is true. My dad cracked up and said, "Told you so!" My mom frowned, took out her wallet, and handed him 20$. My parents bet on my nonexistent sex life. FML

今天我在车里和爸妈在一起。我妈回过头问我我做过爱没。我诚实地说了没有。我爸大笑起来，说：“我说什么来着！”我妈皱着眉头拿出了她的钱包，给了我爸20刀。他们居然打赌这种事情。FML

Today, I was in charge of throwing a party for my mom. I told my little brother he was suppose to blow up the balloons which were in my dresser. Apparently, he accidentally found all my condoms, unknowingly, and decorated the house in prophylactics instead of balloons. Happy Birthday, Mom. FML

今天我负责给我妈办个生日聚会。我让我弟弟去我的柜子里拿气球，把它们吹大。他错拿成了我放在那儿的TT，然后，用TT，而不是气球，装饰了整个房子。老妈生日快乐。FML

Today, I was flirting with this cute girl from Croatia that is part of the my exchange group in Holland. After a few beers and some smooth talking, she led me inside to a closed off room. We were about to have sex when her boyfriend of 2 years called and proposed to her. FML

今天我和一个很赞的克罗地亚姑娘调情，我们在荷兰是一个交流生小组的。在喝了点小酒又调了调情之后，她把我带到一个房间里。正当我们准备准备做爱的时候，她两年的男朋友打电话来，向她求婚，FML（我觉得这个要fuck his life）

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

今天我BF骑山地车的时候带了我。在和他骑了大概10分钟后，我高潮了。在和BF交往的三年中，他用尽各种办法也没让我高潮。FML

Today, it was my boyfriend and my six-month anniversary. I've really fallen in love with him, and I know he loves me the same. So I got him a really nice gift, a watch he's had his eye on for as long as I've known him. It was expensive. What does he get me? A condom. Three actually. FML

今天是我和BF的恋爱三周年纪念日，我真的很爱她，我也知道他爱我。我给他买了个很棒的礼物，一块他一直想要的手表。很贵的一块儿手表。他给我买了什么？一个TT。哦不，其实是三个。FML

Today, I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. My mom recorded it. FML

今天我醒来的时候，发现我睡觉的时候在暴操我的枕头。我妈把整个过程给录下来了。FML

Today, I was watching a movie with my parents. They were both on the bed, and I was lying on the floor next to their bed. Halfway through the movie, apparently forgetting that I was in the room, my parents started getting friendly. Three feet away from me. FML

今天我和我爸妈在看电影。他们在床上看，我躺在他们床边的地上看。看到一半的时候，他们开始演示创造我的过程——很显然他们忘记我也在屋子里了。我就在边上啊。FML
oday, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me demanding to know how long I've been cheating on her. We don't use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML

今天我和GF做完之后去上班，让她在床上继续躺着。到班之后她打电话质问我我背叛她多久了。我们做爱从来不戴套，但她在整理箱子的时候发现了好几个TT。我不得不在我同事面前向她解释那些TT是我用来打飞机的。FML

（下面这条同意的有5K人，说活该的有10W……）
Today, I sent pictures to my ex of me and my new boyfriend in bed. He sent them to my dad. FML

今天我给我EX看我和我新BF做爱的照片。他把照片转发给我爸爸了。FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Everything was going great until I noticed a small blinking light on my shelf. It turns out that it was a camera. My mom put it there to make sure I cleaned my room. She saw the whole thing. FML

今天我和GF在造爱。一切都是那么美妙，直到我惊悚地发现柜子上的一处亮光。那是一个摄像头。我妈妈放它在那儿来确保我有打扫房间。她全看见了。FML

Today, I finally had sex with a girl I've been dating for over a month. Before we got started she told me not to worry about the birth control because she could handle that. So after we finished I asked her what kind of birth control she used. She said she meditated. FML

今天我终于和一个约会一个多月的女孩做爱了。在我们开始之前她告诉我不用担心会怀孕，她会做避孕措施。在云雨之后，我问她她用的什么避孕措施。她告诉我是“冥想”。FML

Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML

今天我GF用给我咬来贿赂我，因为我们晚上要和她爸妈去吃饭。好消息是：那是她有史以来最好的一次BJ。坏消息是：我喷在了她的黑裙子上。她在我的蛋蛋上有力地打了一记直拳。痛。FML

Today, my mom's car broke down after leaving the movies. We were waiting on a corner for my dad when a cop pulled up to us. He started to arrest me and my mom for "soliciting sex." Even a cop thinks my mom dresses like a hooker. FML

今天我和我妈去看电影，我妈的车坏了，我们在街角等我爸来接，直到一个条子过来把我们俩给逮捕了，因为他觉得我们“企图进行性交易”。连条子都觉得我妈穿的像妓女。FML

Today, I went out to dinner with my brother. There was a very attractive man sitting a few tables away who kept glancing at me. When my brother excused himself to the bathroom, the man worked up the courage to come over and introduce himself to me. He asked me if my brother was single. FML

今天我和我哥去吃饭，别桌有一个很帅的男人在看我。当我哥去上厕所的时候，那个男人鼓起勇气走过来，和我搭讪。他问我我哥是否单身。FML

Today, is the first day of my honeymoon. It has been 6 years since I took a "real" vacation. We have 3 kids and a small house, and now we have 9 days alone in random hotels to do what couples do on their honeymoon without kids... Day one, I got my period 7 days early. FML

今天是我蜜月的第一天。这是六年来我第一次真正意义上的假期。我们有三个孩子、有间小屋，我们终于有9天的时间在酒店里做我们爱做的事儿，没有孩子和房子的干扰……就在今天，我的姨妈提前7天来了。FML

Today, was my boyfriends birthday. He wanted a blowjob while playing Call of Duty 4. In typical gamer fashion, he slammed his controller down when he died. Into my head. FML

今天是我BF的生日，他想要我在他打COD4的时候给他BJ。在他的角色被打死的时候，他愤怒地砸了手柄。就砸在我脑袋上。FML

Fuck My Life[最近转得很多的老外囧事] (二)

363426397@qq.com(好玩~！捏捏~) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 03:11:53 GMT

Today, there are two restaurants gang fights, and other unrelated people are gone, only I did not move, watching them smile.
I feel very cool.
Suddenly,FML

今天,餐馆有两伙人打架，其他无关的人都跑掉了，只有我没有动，微笑的看着他们。

我觉得自己非常酷。

突然有一个人指着我说：打他们老大！我刚要说我不是，一个酒瓶子就把我头打开了花。然后几个人过来揣我。另一伙看他们在打不认识的人竟然也不帮忙。

我快被打半死时警C来了，还把我当成主犯拉回去审讯。刚才才被家长领回家。

我现在悟出了一个非常深刻的道理，就是：没实力，千万别装B!

Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML

今天，我第一次和自己真正喜欢的人OOXX。我把我的上衣的乳支撑器脱掉，他说：“我擦，这太令人失望了。”擦

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML
应该是
今天，我女友甩了我跟别人了。就在一个小时前，我才从她老爹那里得到求婚许可。FML

Today I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I'd been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver, they drank too much and on the way home hooked up in the back seat. FML

今天我和俩我感兴趣的男生泡吧。第一个是我这个学期一直想约的人，第二个是和我吃过一次饭、看起来还不错的男生。我被指定为司机，他们喝的是在是太多了，然后他们俩就在后座上勾搭上了……汗

Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politely apologized and told him I had none, he yelled angrily "who comes to this city without money?" I replied "apparently, you do." Wrong answer. He followed me, now screaming. FM

今天一个流浪汉向我要硬币我没给他，告诉他我身上没有，他非常生气的向我吼道：没钱谁TM来这个城市啊？我回答 “很明显，你就是” 这个答案显然不对，他跟在我身后一直尖叫 FML

Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML

今天我和老妈感慨事实上和我发生过关系的男的都不超过2个月，她问我为什么，我回答：因为我偏激，强势，保守，还有顽固。为了鼓励我，她说至少你还是诚实的 FML

Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing soccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say "go get it." Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML

今天我在一个公园里散步，看到一群孩子在踢球，其中一个把球踢向了我，很幸运的是我把球接到了。然后我把球丢下踢回去喊到：“接好了” 球打到了一颗书上弹回来，命中我的脸 FML

Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML

今天我在洗澡的时候，男朋友忽然跳了进来，我们有一点点小兴奋地时候老妈的手穿过了帘子把套套丢在了浴池里，说：注意安全啊孩子们 FML

Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my cookies. Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the cookies are safe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted to see in my life. FML

今天我在厨房里安装好了摄像头想看看谁偷了我的饼干，结果我看到了老妈和她的男朋友，好消息是饼干很安全，坏消息是我看了一些我这辈子都不想看到的事 FML

Today, after my girlfriend of 2 years left me for another guy, I got stuck in an elevator for 3 hours. With both of them. FML

今天和我相处2年的女朋友离开了我和另一个男人好了，然后我在电梯里面卡了3小时，和他们2个一起 FML

Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML

今天，卡尔加里轻轨车厢挤满了人；我旁边的一个流浪汉被挤得死死地顶着我。他专注地盯着我看，上车两分钟以后他就硬了=_=——于是乎车厢每次颠簸和转弯的时候，那东西都在摩擦着我。FML

Today, I was leaving to go over to a friend's and my parents suddenly ask if I'm gay. I reply that no, I'm bisexual. My mom then asks if I've ever made out with someone of the same sex and I say yes. She turns to my dad and says 'I told you so. You owe me $20'. My parents bet on my sexuality. FML

今天，我正准备出门去朋友家，我父母突然问我是不是搞基的。我回答不是，澄清说我是双性恋。我妈又问我曾经是否和一个同性别的人亲热过，我回答是。然后她就跟我爸说：“看，我跟你说过了吧。你欠我20块。”我父母拿我的性取向打赌。FML

Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom." Ray is my new step dad. FML

今天，我在我的小弟弟偷看我朋友在卫生间换衣服的时候把他抓了个正着。我问他他在干嘛，他回答说：“雷(Ray)在你去卫生间的时候就这么做，我只是在学他罢了。”雷是我的新继父。FML

Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said "oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". She wasn't wearing a watch. FML

今天，我和一个我很喜欢的女孩出门去玩，然后我们晚上一起回到了我家。我们之间十分来电，于是最后OOXX了……男上女下。我非常之投入，可是在半途的时候她突然举起手腕说：“啊，看看都几点了。我得回家了。”她当时根本没戴表。FML

Today, I was running late for work so instead of walking the ten minutes to the office, I took a taxi. The driver took the opportunity to share the story of his first sexual experience with a man. In great detail. FML

今天，我上班要迟到了，所以我没去走那十分钟的路程而是打了辆出租车。这司机抓住这一大好时机，向我讲述了他第一次和男人OOXX的故事。具体而又生动。FML

Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

今天，我得从我的办公室走到我停车的地方，距离大概有三个街区远。在我准备转过最后一个街角时，一辆车超速驶来，我不得不赶紧跳到一边。我抬头的时候发现了——那车是我的。FML

Today, my girlfriend decided to strip me naked and blindfold me, then told me I'd get a reward if I caught her. So I ran around naked and blindfolded till I caught her, and then I yelled, "I want my prize on the kitchen table!" It was her mom who'd just got back from work. FML

今天，我女友决定把我扒光并把我眼睛蒙上，然后告诉我说如果我抓住她就奖励我。于是我就蒙着眼睛，啥也没穿地四处瞎跑一直到我抓住了她。我大喊：“在厨房桌子上把我的奖励给我吧！”MLGB的我抓住的是她刚下班的妈妈。FML

Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was gay. The executor read it out loud. My mom was the only one who knew. FML

今天，我妈的遗嘱被宣告给了全家人。我在几年前帮助我妈写的；我会得到一笔资金来付助学贷款。她自己把遗嘱给改了，注明说我啥也得不到因为我搞基。遗嘱执行人把这段大声朗读了出来。本来只有我妈一个人知道的。FML

Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML

今天，我发现就算你的男友向你求婚，也不意味着他婚礼的时候就一定能来。FML

Today, my mom talked about how it's interesting how there's so many different size of penises. She also told me that since she's doing hormone therapy she's able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more. FML

今天，我妈跟我说各种JJ有不同的大小，真是有趣。她也跟我说因为她一直在做荷尔蒙疗法，她能够体验的高潮比以往多多了。我们堵车堵了3个小时。当我打开收音机的时候，她把收音机关了，接着讲。FML

Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML

今天，是我的男友第一次来我家过夜。他硬了，我就在他的耳边耳语把他叫醒：“如果你现在让我做什么都行，你想要我做什么呢？”他的回答，“你能给我碗薄荷巧克力屑冰淇淋吗？”他想冰淇淋想到硬。FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

今天，我男友和我在他的家里OOXX。大概30分钟后，他的妈妈回家了，敲他的房门问道：“你在干啥？”想着也许我有偷偷溜出去的可能，我蹑手蹑脚地穿起了衣服。结果这时我的男友就回答：“佐伊。我在干佐伊。”FML

Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland. FML

今天，一张“在马里兰醉酒驾驶”的200美金的罚单被寄给了我。我从来都没因醉酒驾驶而被抓而且我压根就没去过马里兰。FML

Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML

今天，我醒来以后发现我的狗丢了。我花了将近一个小时去找它，直到我那脑子有点问题的前女友发了张它的照片给我。她把它绑架了。开车到那里以后，她用油漆弹朝我的车开枪。现在我不仅没狗，还多了辆五彩斑斓的车。FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have sex with would be. I was third. My mom was second. FML

今天，我问了交往了将近十个月的男友，他最希望和哪五个女人OOXX。我排第三。我妈排第二。FML

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and then proceeded to throw up all over the rug. FML

今天，我的猫和我一起在浴室里。我脱了衣服准备冲个澡。猫在我脱光了衣服以后看了看我，然后就在小毯上吐得到处都是。FMLToday, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don't want to break up, my phone battery died. FML

今天，我和我男朋友大吵了一架。我给他打了手机，在上面和他大吵大闹。他跟我说如果我不再想跟他了的话，现在就把电话关上吧。我刚想跟他说我仍然很爱他，不想分手的时候，我手机没电了。FML

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents. It got to an intense sex scene. I felt grateful when I saw his father reaching for the remote to fastforward past the scene. He put it into slowmotion. We watched in silence for about 3 minutes before he managed to fix it. FML

今天，我和我的男朋友一家看电影。电影演到了一处特别火辣的OOXX的镜头。当我看到他的爸爸准备用遥控器快进的时候，我感到很欣慰——可是他却（不小心）把电影调成了慢进。结果这镜头我们尴尬地看了将近三分钟，他才解决了这个问题。FML

Today, I was cuddling with the guy I like. I looked into his eyes and said, "Your eyes are so blue, like the ocean." He replied by saying, "Your eyes are so brown... like my shit". FML

今天，我在和一个我喜欢的男生亲热。我看着他的眼睛，说：“你的眼睛真蓝……像大海一样。”他回答，“你的眼睛真褐……像我的屎一样。”FML

Today, my husband of three years told me he only proposed to me because his favorite football team was winning and he had been drunk. I had our second child three days ago. FML

今天，我结婚了三年的老公跟我说他跟我求婚的唯一理由是因为那天他最喜欢的美式足球队赢了所以他喝醉了。我在三天前生的第二个孩子。FML

Today, my boyfriend of seven months dumped me because if he 'ever wanted to get married', he wants to 'marry a virgin.' I lost my virginity to him. FML

今天，我交往了7个月的男友把我甩了。因为他“如果要结婚的话，”他也要“娶一个处女”。我把我的处女给了他。

Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML

今天，一只蚂蚁蛰了一下我的JJ。这是有史以来第一张碰过我JJ的“嘴”。FML

Today, I flew into New Zealand to surprise my girlfriend on her trip. In the New Zealand Airport I recieved a text message saying she wanted to break up with me. I live in Michigan and just spent $1,500 for this romantic surprise. FML

今天，我飞到了新西兰，去给我正在那里旅游的女友一个惊喜。在新西兰机场我收到了一条短信：她想要和我分手。我住在密歇根州，花了1500美刀，就为了这场浪漫的“惊喜”。FML

Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML

今天，我庆祝了我的21岁生日。我3年的男朋友给了我一个巨大的粉色ZW器。我以为这是个玩笑，就说：“只要你还在，我就用不上这玩意！”他的回答：“……这就是我想要和你谈谈的事情。”

Today, my wife has been singing "I can't get no satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones, all morning. She started singing it right after we had sex. FML

今天，我老婆一早上都在唱滚石乐队的《我得不到满足》。她在我们OOXX完就开始唱。FML

Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML

今天，我去看我儿子的足球赛。我笑容灿烂地大声欢呼着他的名字。我看到他和他的队友耳语了几句，所以我在晚上又看了遍我老公的录像。他的朋友问的是：“那是谁？”我儿子回答：“我不认识的肥婊子。”FML

Today, I decided to introduce my girlfriend to my parents by telling them that we were gonna have a very special guest for dinner. While my mom was preparing the meal she asked, "What does he like?" I'm straight. My parents thought different. FML

今天，我决定把我的女朋友介绍给我的父母，就告诉他们晚餐的时候会有一位特殊的客人到场。我妈在做饭的时候问我：“他（注意是‘他’）什么样啊？”我取向正常。可我父母不这么想。FML

Today, I was fired because a patron complained that she didn't like the way I kept staring at her kids. I was a lifeguard. FML

今天，我被炒了鱿鱼，因为一个客户投诉说她不喜欢我一直盯着她的孩子看时的眼神（暗指恋童）。我是个救生员。FAML

Today, I came home a day after my birthday, and was greeted by my mother who told me "oh I have birthday present for you." She explained that she and my father went on a hike, and handed me my present. I got a f***ing stick for my birthday. FML

今天，我在我生日的第二天回到了家。母亲来迎接我，告诉我说：“啊，我有个生日礼物要给你。”她解释说她和我爸去远足了，然后就把我的礼物给了我——于是，我MLGB的得到了根登山拐棍作为生日礼物。FML

Today, I found out my girlfriend is pregnant and then decided to break up with her. Why? We're lesbians. FML

今天，我得知我的女朋友怀孕了。于是我决定和她分手。你问为什么？因为我们是百合。FML

Today, I was petsitting for my neighbor's new puppy. A huge thunderstorm came, and the puppy started whining and shivering violently. I pulled it into my lap to try and comfort it. One loud clap of thunder later, and the puppy had explosive diarrhea all over me. FML

今天，我在帮我的邻居照看他家的新小狗。那天来了个特别大的雷暴，那小狗被吓得直叫，身体抖得厉害。我把它放到我的膝盖上试着安抚它。在一声巨大的响雷之后，那狗在我身上来了次爆炸性的腹泻，拉了我一身。FML

Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door "Are you jacking off in there or something?!" and him scream back at her "Shut up you f***inag cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

今天，我听见我的女儿隔着浴室门向我儿子喊：“你又在里面ZW吗?!”然后我儿子喊了回去：“闭嘴，你个B!!”我女儿7岁，我儿子8岁。FML

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, "what would happen to me if you and daddy died?". I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML

今天，我6岁的小女儿问我：“如果你和爹地死了我怎么办呢？”我告诉她她可能会去和昂特舅舅和艾琳舅妈去住。她看着我，说：“那你们死了就没事了。我不会哭的。我在那边想要啥就有啥。”FML

Today, my girlfriend's friend told her she had seen me shopping with a cute girl. When I came back home my girlfriend punched me in the face and asked who the girl was. Apparently her friend didn't tell her the cute girl was my three years old niece. I lost a tooth because of that punch. FML

今天，我女朋友的朋友跟她说她看见我和一个很可爱的女孩买东西。我到家了以后我的女友就给了我一拳，问我那女孩是谁。很显然，她的朋友没告诉她那“可爱的女孩”是我三岁的小侄女。因为那拳我少了颗牙。FML

Today, my boyfriend was in the shower, and I decided to go join him. I took all my clothes off and stepped into the bathroom. I slipped on some water, and ended up hitting my head on the toilet and passing out. When I came to, I saw my boyfriend's dad looking over me in his towel. Wrong person. FML

今天，我的男友在淋浴，于是我决定和他一起洗。我脱光了衣服走进了浴室。我踩在水里滑了一跤，脑袋砸到马桶上晕了过去。我醒过来的时候，看到了我男朋友他爸爸包着浴巾看着我。我搞错人了。FML

Today, I was working as a swim 软妹子uctor for kids. Teaching them not to be afraid of the water, I put my face in the water and blew bubbles. I asked them to try it. All of them did, except for one. I went right to him and blew bubbles again. He then said to me, "but I just peed in that water." FML

今天，我在教小孩子游泳。为了让他们不怕水，我把脸埋在水里吹泡泡。我让他们都试试。所有的人都试了，除了一个以外。我走到他跟前，又给他做了次示范。结果他跟我说：“可是我刚才在那片水里尿了。”FML

Today, I learned that my wife had sex with another guy. She met him while we were on a trip in another state for marriage counseling. The reason we were in marriage counseling was because she had no desire for sex, and we had gone for two years without it. FML

今天，我知道我老婆和别人上床了，他和那人是在去别的州进行婚姻咨询的时候认识的，我们要进行婚姻咨询就是因为她性冷淡，而且我们两年没做了。FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

今天我和一个不认识的女孩上床了，我没TT怕她怀孕，但她保证到时候让我拔出来。就当我要拔出来的时候，她拿大腿缠住我，大叫：“做我孩子的爹吧！！！”FML

Today, I was at the Wild Animal Park. There were bees everywhere. One brave bee, thinking he was Mr. Macho, flew right down my tank top in between my boobs. I freaked the hell out and ended up screaming and pulling down my shirt to get the bee out. I flashed about 10 kids and their families. FML

今天，我在野生动物园。那儿到处都是蜜蜂。一只胆儿大的，觉着自个儿是曾哥呢，飞进了我的小背心在我双峰中间乱窜，我立马斯巴达了，一边叫一边把我的衣服扯下来，给大概10个小孩儿和他们的家长看见了。FML

Today, I got a sunburn all over my stomach from a tanning bed. In an attempt to relieve the itching, I looked up natural treatments since we have no aloe. After trying yogurt, milk and mayo I found out that our water was shut off so the shower could be fixed. I now reek of mayo and milk. FML

今天我用太阳灯床晒自个儿，结果不小心把肚皮上晒伤了，我想缓解晒伤的痒，就去找些食物来抹在肚皮上，因为我们家没有芦荟。在试过了酸奶、牛奶和蛋黄酱后，我发现我们家的水给断了，没法儿洗澡。现在蛋黄酱和牛奶在我身上发臭。FML

Today, while doing aerobics in my room, I started doing really powerful Knee Highs. My cell phone fell out of my pocket while doing one knee high. As I looked down, I kneed myself in the face. I spent the next couple hours in the emergency room while the doctor told everyone my story. FML

今天我在房间里做健身操，我开始做一些非常大幅度的高抬腿，当我抬高一条腿的时候我的手机掉了出来，我向下看，结果膝盖打到了脸。接下来的几小时我就在急诊室里听医生告诉大家伙儿我的故事。FML

Today, while driving home with my parents. I pretended to be asleep so mum wouldn't talk to me. They then took this time to describe what they were going to do to each other when they got home. In full detail. FML

今天爸妈带我开车回家。我假装睡觉这样我妈就不会唠叨了。结果他们利用我睡觉的时间谈论他们回家后要做什么，怎么做。完整而详细。FML

Today, my dad somehow found some pictures of my boyfriend having sex with some girl and went on a rampage about how pissed he was that he was cheating on me. I had to explain to my parents that I was the girl in the pictures. FML

今天我爸找到了一些我BF和女孩儿做爱的照片，他暴躁地说老子要发飙了，这小子怎么可以这么对我女儿。我只好跟他说我就是照片上的那个女孩儿。FML

Today, I was in the car with my husband complaining about the way I look. His response, "Babe, if I cared about the way you looked I wouldnt have married you." FML

今天，我在车里和我老公抱怨自个儿长得不好看，他温柔地对我说：“亲爱的，我要是看重相貌就不娶你了。”FML

Today, I found out that my husband made a replica of our family on The Sims 3. I also found out he killed me off a couple weeks ago and made a new wife, KiKi. FML

今天我发现我老公在模拟人生3里建了个我们家。我还发现几星期前他就在游戏里把我杀了，找了个新老婆，叫KiKi。FML
Today, I was having really bad diarrhea. I sat down on the toilet and heard a plop, thinking it was just me going to the bathroom. After I was finished, I look in the toilet to see my iPhone sitting in a pool of diarrhea. FML

今天我拉肚子了，我坐下的时候听到了噗的一声，我想那可能只是坐下来发出的声音。在我拉完之后，我看看马桶，发现我的爱疯就在一堆稀屎的正当中。FML

Today, I was going to surprise my boyfriend at his family birthday celebration with a $2,000 trip he's always wanted, Ireland. Right before my gift, he had opened his mother's gift, an envelope containing a plane ticket. Guess where it was going? FML

今天是我BF的生日，我给他准备了一个价值2000美刀的旅程，他一直想去爱尔兰的。就在我要给他礼物之前，他妈给了他一个信封，里面有张机票，猜猜是去哪儿的？FML

Today, I was checking out my boyfriend's facebook profile. I saw that he had just taken the "How long will it take for your girldriend to realize you're cheating on her?" Quiz. FML

今天我在查我BF的facebook档案。我发现他刚做了“你GF要多久才能知道你在劈腿”的测试。FML

Fuck My Life[最近转得很多的老外囧事] (一)

363426397@qq.com(好玩~！捏捏~) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 03:10:23 GMT

有个网站：http://www.fmylife.com 是fuck my life的简称，也就是我们常说的【卧槽】，每件fuck事后面都跟着它的简称FML

这里摘录了一堆精华。不开心时看看别人是怎么不开心的，你就会开心多了

Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML
今天，我在邮箱里收到了我的护照。他们把我的生日搞错了。然后我找到了我一起送去申请护照的出生证明。结果我发现我的父母16年来一直在错误的一天给我过生日。FML

Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

今天，我在上课的时候睡觉。我的JJ石更了，而且我穿的是很宽松的裤子。我的老师走了过来一把抓住了我的JJ——她以为那是我手机。FML

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

今天，我听见了我的姐姐在她的房间里面ZW。为了逃出去，我带着狗出去遛了遛。我回来的时候正巧碰见她出来，手里拿的东西是——我的电动牙刷。FML

Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML

今天，一个我认识了很久的很性感的女人跟我说，如果我能站着和她做，她就和我做。我残疾坐轮椅。FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

今天，我在和我的男朋友OOXX。当他要丢了的时候，他突然声嘶力竭地大喊“太棒了Brittany！！”我的名字不是Brittany.Brittany是他的妹妹。FML

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

今天，我老板叫我去他的办公室，要给我看一个可能成为我们的商业伙伴的公司的网站。当他在谷歌里面打“Virginia”这个词的时候，网站把他的搜索自动补完成了他最近才搜索过的词条——“小处男的菊花”。我明天就要和他一起出差。我是个年轻男人。FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend to come over for dinner because I had some big news. He said he did too, and came over. After stuffing his face full of food, he broke up with me and said he'd re-enlisted into the marines, leaving in two weeks. I was going to tell him i'm 9 weeks pregnant. FML

今天，我让我男朋友来我家吃饭因为我有个大消息要告诉他。他说他也有个大消息要告诉我。在他吃得差不多的时候，他说要和我分手因为他两个星期以后就要去海军陆战队报道了。我准备告诉他我已经怀孕9个星期了。FML

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML

今天，我发现我怀孕了。我已经和老公试了很长时间，所以我等不及要把这个好消息告诉他。当我推开他的办公室的门准备给他一个惊喜时，我看到他和一个男的在亲热。FML

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

今天，我的女儿问我我是什么时候破处的。当我告诉她是22岁时，她立马大喊道：“我赢喽！！”她今年才13。FML

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

今天，我结婚9年的老公告诉我说他是搞基的。他甚至还暗示我说，他和我在一起的时候能硬起来，是因为我长得比较爷们。FML

Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly resembled sex sounds my wife makes. When I asked her what she was doing she said "I'm pretending to be mommy from last night." I was on a business trip last night. FML

今天，我发现我女儿在模仿很奇怪的、听起来像我老婆在OOXX时发出的声音。当我问她你在干嘛的时候她说“我在学我妈咪昨晚的声音”。我昨晚出差。FML

Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with her friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her family lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horse farm. FML

今天，我老婆要和我离婚因为她想和她的狐朋狗友们多玩一玩。一年前，我跟着她来到了她老家挪威。我离开了我的朋友，家庭和一份很好的工作，就是为了和她一起住。现在我TMD在一个马场铲马粪。FML

Today, I got a call from the hospital that my fiance was in the ER. When I arrived at the hospital they told me that he had a heart attack while having sex. FML

今天，我接到一个电话说我的未婚夫被送进了急救室。当我赶到急救室的时候，他们告诉我说原因是他在和某人OOXX的时候心脏病发作了。FML
Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML

今天，我交往了三年的女友离开了我找了个新男友。她的理由是她需要找一个可靠的未来的经济后盾。没错那个哥们确实是有一个卖手机的亭子。但是我就要在医学院就读了。FML

Today, my teacher demanded to talk to my dad because she thought he wasn't a good enough male role model because i'd misbehaved. i told her he had died of cancer in 2005. She said that my lie was rude, disgraceful, and that i should be ashamed, then gave me a detention. He actually did die. FML

今天，我老师要求和我爸谈话因为她认为我爸没给我起到一个好的榜样作用。我告诉她我爸在05年就死于癌症。结果她说我的谎言很粗鲁，没人性，不害臊，然后把我留校了。我爸是真的死了。FML

Today, I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I was going through it, I realized that both my parents have the same last name. So, I asked them about it and they told me that they are second cousins. FML

今天，我有个做张家庭族谱的作业。当我在做的时候，我意识到我的父母的姓其实是一样的。所以我去问他们这是不是个巧合，结果他们告诉我说他们实际上是表亲关系。FML

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

今天，我咬了一下我男友的脖子。我感觉到什么东西流到了我嘴里。结果我发现我是把他脖子上的一个大痘子咬破了。掉进了我嘴里。FML

Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML

今天，我第一次和这个男生出去约会。我们去了星巴克，聊着天，很愉快。突然，他把他的手放到我肚子上说：“不久之后，这里就会被我的种子灌满”。FML

Today, I decided to take a nap. My boyfriend gave me some sleeping pills but I decided last minute not to take them. I woke up to my boyfriend kissing my neck and unbuttoning my shirt. Without opening my eyes, I whispered "ooh this is so romantic." He blurted out shocked, "Oh.you're awake?!" FML

今天，我打算打个盹。我男朋友给了我一些安眠药但是我最后没决定吃。我迷迷糊糊地醒来的时候发现他在亲我的脖子，解开我的衬衫。我闭着眼睛低语道：“嗯……真是浪漫。”他震惊道：“啊。你醒着呢？！”FML

Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

今天，我做公车去上班，后来旁边坐着个慈祥的老奶奶。公车到一半的时候，她睡着了，脑袋枕在了我的肩膀上。为了做个好青年，我在我的车站到之前才轻轻地打算弄醒她。实际上，这一路上她根本没在睡觉。也就是说，我让一个死人在我身上躺了30分钟。FML

Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML

今天，我以为我听到了我的小妹妹在玩我的新的大钢琴。我十分生气，跑下楼去制止她。结果我发现声音的来源是我父母在我的新钢琴上OOXX。FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

今天，我给我男友发短信说：“Hi”。他的回复是：“我把你最好的朋友肚子搞大了”。FML

Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML

今天，我上交了我的博士论文，我花了半年的时间做调查来写这篇论文。昨晚，我的室友在微软WORD里面的“自动更正”里面把“也不是(neither)”这个词全改成了“黑鬼(nigger)”。我一直到交了论文以后才发现。更糟糕的是我的教授就是个黑人。FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML

今天，我男友和我决定试试X菊花。当他结束了以后，我转过身来，发现他面带微笑地拿着一个绑在腰带上的橡胶JJ，对我说：“现在来X我。”FML

Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML

今天，为了给我哥们庆祝生日我们第一次来到了脱衣舞俱乐部。我也发现了我的女友的工作是什么。FML

Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML

今天，我发现因为我的血压太高，我一个月都不能OOXX。我的婚礼是下个星期，然后接下来的两个星期是蜜月。FML

Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML

今天，我去牙医那里洗牙。我抬头看着他，发现有鼻涕往他的嘴唇上滴。我试图慢慢地挪开，他告诉我“别动！”结果他说话的动作导致那大块鼻涕径直掉进了我嘴里。FML

Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is now engaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when I became pregnant. I'm going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnant with his child, at their wedding. FML

今天，我发现我已经怀孕三个多月了。孩子他爸现在已经和我最好的朋友订婚，在我怀孕的时候他一直和她有一腿。我将会是他们婚礼上怀着新郎的孩子8个月的伴娘。FML

Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML

今天，我和我的祖父母睡在一个屋子里面。他们先是来确认我睡没睡着。为了不被责怪成熬夜，我就假装睡着了。结果，他们是想要OOXX，所以才来确认我是不是睡了的。我亲眼目睹了两个70岁老头老太太在我旁边的床上OOXX的情形。FML

Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn't feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women's restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML

今天，我在外面吃饭的时候，饭店经理来找我谈话。他说虽然他很尊重我的个人选择，但是他的顾客们对于一个“曾经是男人”的女人用女卫生间感到非常不舒服。也就是说，他们以为我是个变性人。而我是个天生的女人。FML

Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML

今天，我在翻看我父母的旧的家庭录像。我把其中一个放进了录像机，惊恐地发现那里录着我的父母在做爱做的事。我立刻弹出了录像带并且看了看那上面的标签。上面写着：“百慕大，1989”。他们曾经告诉我说我就是在那个时候的百慕大群岛上被怀上的。我看到了自己被怀上的情形。FML

Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

今天，我自己一人来到了我和我男友第一次约会的地方：一个孤僻的山上。我注意到有另一对情侣藏在灌木丛中亲热。于是我打电话给我男友，想要告诉他说有人找到了属于我们的秘密幽会地点。然后我就听到了我男友手机的Bob Marley的彩铃声从那堆灌木里飘来。FML

Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML

今天，我和一个女孩在我公寓里面打发时间……然后我们都来了感觉，就开始亲热。一步接着一步，然后我知道她要准备给我KJ。我正做好爽的准备，她突然停了下来，抬起头来望着我的眼睛说……“你信耶稣吗？”FML

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

今天，我被我老爸突然造访我宿舍的敲门声所吵醒。我把门打开对着在门外的他打招呼，这时候我的室友脱光了衣服拉开了门，亲了我的脸颊，用一种超级搞基的声音说“昨晚你真棒”以后跑了。FML

Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catch herself. FML

今天，我光着身子站在床边，等着我老婆从浴室里面出来。她打开了浴室的门走向我，扭动着她的腰，什么都没穿。当她离我有四英尺的时候，她在地板垫上跌了一跤，而且用了我的JJ来稳住身形。FML

Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents having sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a good long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones just in time to hear them finish. FML

今天，我躺在床上试图睡着，可是就在此时我听见了我父母在OX。所以我戴上了耳机听音乐。听了好长好长一段时间之后，我想他们应该已经完事了，所以我摘下了耳机。结果我刚好赶上他们结束那一段。FML

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

今天，我老板发了条短信把我炒了鱿鱼。我没给手机申请短信包月。也就是说我花了25美分来被炒。FML

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friend explaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulled over in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explained what happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone while driving. FML

今天，我在高速上开车的时候接到了一个电话，得知了我两个最好朋友因交通事故而死。我歇斯底里地把车快速在道边停下，然后过来一个交警问我怎么了。我解释了一切，结果他给了我一张罚单，说是因为我在开车的同时使用手机。FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML

今天，我男友和我决定在他的家里OOXX。我们到了以后，他先去看信箱里面有没有信，然后就发现他订购的Wii的游戏到货了。他把我送回了家因为他更想玩游戏。FML

Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML

今天，我拜托我父母帮我报名加入军队。结果他们问我的是如果我死了，政府能补贴多少钱。FML

Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After i knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized only to hear my girlfriend's voice call from the background: "Baby, who's there?" FML

今天，拿着鲜花和晚餐，打算给我认识了两年的女友一个惊喜。我敲了敲她公寓的们——然后一个英俊的年轻男人打开了门。我以为我敲错了门，道了歉转身准备离开的时候，我听到了我女朋友的声音——“宝贝，门口的是谁？”FML

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, "April Fool's!" It's March 19th. FML

今天，我打算给我上大学的男友一个惊喜。我走进了他的宿舍，发现他和另一个女的躺在床上。他看见了我，说了句：“愚人节快乐！”那天是3月19号。FML

Today, my friends approached me and accused me of being anorexic cause i've dropped a lot of weight lately. I swore to them that i wasn't anorexic. They jokingly asked "Do you have cancer or something?" All i could do was stare at my feet. That wasn't exactly how i wanted them to find out. FML

今天，我的朋友怀疑我得了厌食症因为我最近掉了很多秤。我对他们发誓说我没得厌食症。他们开玩笑说：“那你是得了癌症什么的吗？”我除了盯着我的脚不知道以外不知道该如何反应——我并没指望他们以这种形式发现我得了癌症。FML

Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. "I-I-I MISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML

今天，我在用手指X女友。她在高潮顶点的时候突然哭了起来。我问她发生了什么事，她回答说：“我——我——我——我想他！！”她是为了她的前男友在哭。我当时还在她体内。FML

Today, I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I'm gay. When I was typing the email address in the "to:" field, it autocorrected the address to my mother. She just responded: "you filthy faggot". FML

今天，我发了封邮件给我最好的朋友，告诉他我是同志。当我在输入“发送到：”那一栏的时候，系统给我自动更正成了我妈的邮件地址。她只回复了一句：“你这肮脏的蛆虫。”FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn't. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done. FML

今天，我男友和我决定做爱做的事。我是CN，他不是。30秒以后，他倒在了我的身上。我以为他在开玩笑，就笑了几声。他没在开玩笑。他干完了。FML

Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML

今天，我卫生棉在我的泳装旁边露出了一点点。我男友以为那是我比基尼多余的线头。于是乎他在大庭广众之下把我的卫生棉拉了出来。FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML

今天，我给我6个月的男友发了条短信说我很想要，而且我躺在床上光着身子。他回了封信说：“你长了手指头，用它们，我去睡觉了亲爱的”。FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, "what do I do now?" FML

今天，我男友和我第一次OOXX。在等待了非常长的一段时间之后，他终于进来了。这时他停了下来，问道——“好了，现在我该怎么办？”FML

Today, I got a phone call saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for a wedding in June. It's my mom's 4th wedding. I'm getting replaced by our dog. FML

今天，我接到电话说我不再是6月份婚礼的伴娘了。那婚礼是我妈的第四次婚礼。当她伴娘的将会是我家的狗。FML

Today, I opened my mail to find my Brown acceptance letter. Excited, I showed my dad who just laughed and said 'what, it's not like it's Harvard'. No one in my family has ever gone to college. My dad didn't even graduate from high school. FML

今天，我打开了邮箱发现我被布朗大学（美国常春藤盟校之一）录取了。我兴奋地告诉了我爸，他笑笑说：“啥啊，又不是哈佛。”我家里人除了我没人上过大学。我爸甚至高中都没毕业。FML

Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. "Tonight's the night," my boyfriend says. "I'm finally going to tell her I love her!" I got really excited, deciding i loved him too. Then his friend says, "Awesome! But what about Kayla?" I'm Kayla. FML

今天，我听到了我交往3个月的男友和他的朋友聊天，它们不知道我能听到他们。“就是今晚了”，我男友说，“我要告诉她，我爱她！！”我非常兴奋，感觉我也非常爱他。然后他的朋友就说：“太好了。可是，凯拉怎么办？”我就是凯拉。FML

Today, it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancee, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancee for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me a happy birthday. FML

今天是我生日。我一整天只接到三个电话。第一个是我的未婚夫，说他要把订婚戒指拿回去。第二个是我最好的朋友，向我坦白说过去三个月来她一直和我的未婚夫行为不轨。第三个是我牙医的办公室，给我唱《祝你生日快乐》。FML

Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, "F*** you, Jackson. Don't f*** with me." I'm Tyler, Jackson is my co-worker. FML

今天，下班以后，我去停车场准备开车回家。我发现我的车的门被划伤得很厉害，我所有的车胎都被扎了。挡风玻璃上留着一张字条写着：“草NM，杰克逊。别耍老子。”我是泰勒。杰克逊是我同事。FML

Today, I came home to find my mum on the phone to the doctor. When she hung up I asked what had happened. She said they found a sexually transmitted disease in my bloodtest, and then she began to call me a slut. I'm 14, and am still a virgin. After 5 mins of crying, she tells me she was joking. FML

今天，我回到家，我妈在给医生挂电话。我问她怎么了。她说医生在我的血检里面发现了一种性病，然后她说我是个婊子。我14岁而且还是处。大哭了5分钟以后，她告诉我说她只是在开玩笑。FML

Today, my son looked out of the window and said "what's that piece of shit doing on our driveway?" It was the new car we were trying to surprise him with on his 16th birthday. FML

今天，我儿子望向窗户以外问道：“在车库门前停着的那坨垃圾是毛？”那是我打算送给他的，他16岁生日的新车。FML

Today, a 7 year old girl randomly came up to me and told me to f*** myself. I told her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard this conversation, she came up to me and told me to f*** myself as well. FML

今天，一个7岁的陌生小女孩突然走向我，跟我说“滚泥马。”我告诉她注意自己的口气，否则我就告诉她父母。她妈妈就在附近，而且她恰好听到了了我们的对话。于是她突然走向了也我跟我说了句“滚泥马”。FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was "Can't, Platinum just came out." I didn't know what that meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I found out he's talking about a new Pokemon game. FML

今天，我发短信给我的男友，问他到底想不想今天来亲热。他的回复是“不行，白金今天出。”我一开始没听懂，于是我去搜索了一下“白金，2009年3月22号”。结果我发现他是在说最新的口袋妖怪游戏。FML

Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML

今天，我人生的第一次——让一个女人看到了我的JJ。我30了。那女的是我的医生。她打了个鼾来盖住她的大笑声，然后道了道歉。FML

Today, I turned 18. Nothing was said at breakfast, but I figured they'd remember and we'd have cake at night. I came home and there was cake, but not for me. My sister got her period for the first time during the day and they were celebrating. Apparently, a vaginal discharge was more important. FML

今天，我18岁了。早餐的时候没人吱一声，但是我想他们会记住，晚上我就有蛋糕吃了。我晚上回家看到了一个蛋糕——但是不是给我的。他们是在庆祝我的妹妹第一次月经来潮。很明显，他们认为一次生理反应比我的18岁生日更重要。FML

Today, I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom's walk-in closet. FML

今天，我看到了我家新房子的图纸。我的屋子是旁边那个屋子大小的一半。“那个屋子”是我继母的大衣橱。FML

Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. FML

今天，我感觉有点病了，呼吸很不舒畅。我决定打个盹，嘴巴大张着因为呼吸很困难。我醒来的时候，发现我男友试图把他的那个放到我嘴里。FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML

今天，我在和我男朋友OOXX。突然，他从我身上跳下来，大喊：“该死，该死！”我很着急，问他怎么了。他大吼：“我忘了设定TiVO了！”（一种电视录像装置）. FML

Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidently drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML

今天，我第一次去看我女朋友的父母。我第一次不小心开过头了，但是看到了他们全家在外面等我。我调了个头，然后就听到了砰的一声。他们全家的人看着我压扁了他们的狗。FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiance that I knew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her. FML

今天，我在和我交往了9个月的女友OOXX。有人给她打电话，她决定去接。给她打电话的是她的未婚夫——我完全不知道有这号人。她在我还在她的体内的时候说：她订婚了。FML

Today, I found out I won a 20 000 or 30 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML

今天，我发现我赢了份20000 - 30000的奖学金。在屋里和我家人跳上跳下庆祝了半个小时以后，我们才意识到这信是寄给另一个和我们姓一样的人的。我们和她联系上以后，她说这事真是奇怪，因为她收到的是我的拒信。FML

Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML

今天，我想拿个套套因为我的男友和我打算第一次OX。当我打开抽屉时，我看到每个套套都被一个耶稣形象的别针扎破了。盒子上面有个字条：“爱你的妈妈。”FML

Today, my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to "surprise mom later". Anxious to see him without his life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later he exited the bathroom. Beard fully intact. FML

今天，我老爹问我借电动剃须刀因为他想要“给我妈一个惊喜”。我非常想看他把他留了几乎一辈子的大胡子剃掉，于是我很高兴地答应了他。半个小时以后，他从洗手间出来了。胡子还是好好的。FML

Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML

今天，我父母因为我“说了句脏话”而惩罚我用肥皂洗嘴。我都快19了。我说了句“靠”。FML

Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I was sitting in the 5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face coming through the open window. I then realized it wasn't raining, but the girl in the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it was coming back in through my window. FML

今天，我坐在公车上去联谊会。我坐在公车第5排，感觉到有雨点从窗外飘进来。然后我意识到那不是雨点，而是第1排有个女的吐了，她吐到窗外的东西从我的窗户飞了进来。FML

Today, my parents won't stop bragging about how my sister is dating the captain of her high school football team. I just got accepted to law school. FML

今天，我父母不停地吹嘘说我妹妹正在和学校美式足球队队长约会。我刚刚被法学院录取。FML

Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to see that they misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML

今天，我们要从学校拿毕业纪念册。我翻到了我的简历那一页，发现他们把我的名拼错了。我的名是James（詹姆斯）。他们拼成了Lames（烂透的）。FML

Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time. Last night was the first night we spent together. As I was washing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water. Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head. FML

今天，我第一次和我的新男友一起淋浴。昨天晚上是我们一起度过的第一晚。我在洗头的时候，我向下看去，注意到了有“黄水”。也就是说，我的脚一开始感觉到的温暖的水不是从喷头里出来的。FML

Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called the police saying that I was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife and I were having sex. FML

今天，我被逮捕了，因为我6岁的儿子打电话叫警察，说我把我的妻子打得哭了。我和我老婆当时在OOXX。FML

Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried it quietly up to his bedroom. As I opened the door I heard my son say "Oh man, you're gonna make me cum" to the nice girl he was on top of. He just turned 14. FML

今天，我提前下班回家，买了辆新的山地车来给他个生日惊喜。为了让他吃一惊，我蹑手蹑脚地来到了他的房门前。我一开门就听到他对他压在身下的女孩说：“哦，天哪，我要S了。”他才刚14。FML

Today, I went to get a sports physical at a hospital. My nurse was morbidly obese and unattractive. She told me she would go through the tests listed on the sheet. She did everything, including feeling my genitalia. When it was done, I read over the sheet. Genitalia wasn't a test listed. FML

今天，我去医院做运动体检。我的护士肥的要死而且非常难看。她说她会检查所有单子上写的部分。她做了一切她能做的，甚至包括检查我的JJ部分。体检结束以后，我看了看那张单子。里面没有生育器官检查。FML

Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my p*** stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML

今天，我打开电脑查看我的AV收藏。但是，文件夹除了“我的最爱”文档以外全都空了。我以为是病毒删了所有的东西，但是很庆幸“我的最爱”文档没被删。我打开了以后，看到里面是一个我父母的录像教育我说“SY是不对滴”。FML

Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML

今天，我看到了一对女同性恋在购物中心里逛。其中一个在繁忙的过道里走向我，然后开始大喊盯着她们是怎么怎么地粗鲁，还有不管性取向如何所有的人都应该是平等的。我盯着她们的原因是我也是搞百合的，而且我觉得她们很靓。FML

Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML

今天，大概晚上十点多我在道上开车。我前面车里的乘客向窗外扔了什么东西。拿东西径直打在了我的挡风玻璃上。那是个套套。用过的套套。而且用完没系。JY在你开快车的时候散开得很快。FML

Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had 'something serious' to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML

今天，我搭我新男友的车。他有“很重要的事”要告诉我。然后他多愁善感地向我讲述了他如何对SY上瘾。细节具体生动。行程是两个小时。FML

Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML

今天，我才发现我的新学生宿舍的墙，是多么的薄。它们如此之薄，以至于我能听到我隔壁那个恶心的哥们一边一遍又一遍地念叨着我的名字，一边大力SY的声音。FML

Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML

今天，我在和我的小弟弟打篮球。在开玩笑般地阻挡了他一下之后，他转过来跟我说“你TM的婊子。”他才6岁。我问他他是在哪里听到这个词的，他回答说：“爹地在你不在的时候这样叫你。”FML

Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriend he could do anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get out of bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. His friends needed him. FML

今天，我裸身躺在床上，被蒙上了眼罩。我告诉我的男友他把我怎样都行。30分钟以后，我下了床发现他在电脑室打魔兽。他队友需要他。FML

Today, I performed in my school play. Right before my big solo, I noticed a few girls changing backstage and I became aroused. The play was Jesus Christ Superstar, and I was playing Jesus. All I was wearing was a little cloth, so the whole audience saw Jesus get hard during the crucifixion. FML

今天，我在学校表演戏剧。在我的独角戏闪亮登场之前，我注意到了有几个女孩在后台换衣服——于是我小弟弟high了。那场戏是《耶稣基督超级巨星》，我就是演耶稣的。我身上只穿几块布。于是乎，所有观众都看到了：耶稣在被钉上十字架的时候可耻地硬了。FML

Today, I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroom to mine is the one in my parents room. I wake up and feel like I have to throw up, I run into my parents room to go to the bathroom. I walk in on my parents having sex. Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up all over their bed. FML

今天我在家睡觉因为我生病了。离我最近的厕所是在我父母的房间。我有点想吐所以我就起来了，我跑到我父母房间的厕所里，然后看到他们在OOXX。大吃一惊，吐了他们一床……

Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML

今天我在和一个刚认识的女孩OOXX，大约5分钟之后，她说她想上厕所，所以我们被迫停止。大概等了10分钟，我决定进去看看她怎么样了。进去一看，窗户是开着的，她逃走了。卧槽= =

Today, as I was bagging groceries at Dominicks, I looked down to see a 6 year old urinating on my shoes and the floor next to me. I told his mother that he should take her kid to the restroom, only to be told to "mind my own god damned business." I was later fired for arguing with the customer. FML

今天我在多米尼克杂货店帮顾客装袋，向下一看，我擦，一个6岁小孩在我鞋上撒尿。我告诉他妈应该带她的小孩去厕所小便，我唯一得到的回应是：管好你自己的吊事。接着我就以“和顾客发生纠纷”被开除。卧槽！

Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

今天，当一个正妹进电梯的时候电梯里只有我一个，当时她正在打电话。她和她朋友说：“我得挂了，电梯里有个帅哥~~”在我有任何反应之前她说：“对不起，我撒谎了，我只是真的很想把那个电话结束”卧槽= =！！

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother's house." FML

今天，我在和我男友OOXX，他很清楚我喜欢他在我脖子上喘气、呼吸的感觉。当我快要丢的时候他把他的嘴唇放在离我脖子/耳朵1毫米的地方，说：“我喜欢的你那闻起来像我祖母房子的味道~~”，卧槽！

Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off of the $1.00 menu to save money. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning. After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and an bunch of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended up costing me $24,000 in bills. Really. FML

今天我去快餐店点了一份一元餐想要省钱。五个小时之后我因为食物中毒被送到医院。在一天的禁食、排泄、冒顶、考试、挂了一堆水之后，我那$1的汉堡花费了我$24000，真的！！卧槽……

Today, one of the psych patients I work with on a locked unit looked into my eyes and told me lovingly that I reminded him of his sister. The sister he killed after he raped her. FML

今天，一个和我一起工作的精极度紧张患者在一个被锁的房间里看着我的眼睛、深情的说：你让我想起了我的妹妹。（那个被他被他先X后杀的妹妹）。卧槽！！

Today, I called my fiance and found out she is 9 weeks pregnant. I had been in Iraq for over 6 months. I also found out her and her new boyfriend already spent most of my $30,000 re-enlistment bonus on a new car and a trip to Las Vegas. FML

今天我打电话给我的未婚妻并发现她已经有了9个月身孕。我在伊拉克带了将近6个月……我还发现她和她的新男友把我那30000美金的入伍抚恤金花的差不多了——买了辆新车、去拉斯维加斯度假。卧槽！

The movie I like!

363426397@qq.com(好玩~！捏捏~) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 00:44:19 GMT

[转]第一次,太搞笑了

363426397@qq.com(好玩~！捏捏~) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 16:20:23 GMT

第一次耍流氓

第一次吻

第一次飆車

第一次当模特

第一次喝多了

第一次泡妞


第一次上麦当劳


第一次住宾馆

第一次和这么多禽兽单独在一起

第一次出游

第一次玩人体涂鸦


第一次自己吃饭

第一次洗澡

第一次吃肉


第一次遇见女流氓

第一次哭得这么伤心

第一次用耳机听歌

第一次跌倒后有这么多“人”帮忙

第一次去度蜜月


第一次打电话

第一次和MM玩视频聊天


第一次被爆头了!!!

第一次梦到＂她＂

第一次操劳过度

第一次知道自己被盗版了

第一次拍床上戏

第一次强出风头


第一次担心自己的幸福生活

第一次因为太有钱而烦恼

第一次和妈妈产生意见分歧


第一次被偷拍


第一次做品牌代言

第一次有了自己的私人空间

第一次拍艺术照


第一次体验超载

第一次“狗吃屎”

第一次身陷艳照门


第一次被卡通人物拐走


第一次和动物有了心灵感应

第一次看见美眉

第一次期待青蛙王子


仅以此日志献给那些已经有了自己的小宝宝或即将拥有自己小宝宝的朋友们，当你们为自己的宝宝忙碌一天身心疲惫的时候,看看这些天真可爱的孩子们做的搞笑的事情，会给大家带来无限的快乐和欣慰！~
o(∩_∩)o 哈哈！~

[转]原来塑料瓶的标志有这么重要的信息！！

363426397@qq.com(好玩~！捏捏~) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 13:11:32 GMT

今天我特地去超市把所有饮料的瓶底全部看了一遍，只有大桶的农夫山泉不透明的桶是写着2，其他不管再怎么漂亮的瓶子全部是1，为了大家的健康，我特别转载了这篇文章，希望大家相互转载，让更多的人知道这个隐患，大家健康地生活！

阿联酋一个十二岁的女童，因为连续十六个月使用同一个矿泉水瓶，她得了癌病。瓶里面含一种叫做PET的塑料材质，用一次是安全的，如果你因节俭或方便而重复使用，就有致癌危机。

矿泉水瓶的底部都有一个带箭头的三角型 , 三角型里面有一个数字。

一般矿泉水瓶子，底部标示 1

农夫山泉4升装，底部标示 2

泡茶的塑料耐热杯，底部标示 5

PET 聚对苯二甲酸乙二醇脂
常见矿泉水瓶、碳酸饮料瓶等。耐热至70℃易变形，有对人体有害的物质融出。1号塑料品用了10个月后，可能释放出致癌物DEHP。不能放在汽车内晒太阳；不要装酒、油等物质



HDPE高密度聚乙烯
常见白色药瓶、清洁用品、沐浴产品。不要再用来做为水杯，或者用来做储物容器装其他物品。清洁不彻底，不要循环使用。

ＰＶＣ聚氯乙烯
常见雨衣、建材、塑料膜、塑料盒等。可塑性优良，价钱便宜，故使用很普遍，只能耐热81℃.高温时容易有不好的物质产生,很少被用于食品包装。难清洗易残留，不要循环使用。若装饮品不要购买。

ＰＥ聚乙烯
常见保鲜膜、塑料膜等。高温时有有害物质产生，有毒物随食物进入人体后，可能引起乳腺癌、新生儿先天缺陷等疾病。保鲜膜别进微波炉。

ＰＰ聚丙烯
常见豆浆瓶、优酪乳瓶、果汁饮料瓶、微波炉餐盒。熔点高达167℃，是唯一可以放进微波炉的塑料盒，可在小心清洁后重复使用。需要注意，有些微波炉餐盒，盒体以5号PP制造，但盒盖却以1号PE制造，由于PE不能抵受高温，故不能与盒体一并放进微波炉。

ＰＳ聚苯乙烯
常见碗装泡面盒、快餐盒。不能放进微波炉中，以免因温度过高而释出化学物。装酸（如柳橙汁）、碱性物质后，会分解出致癌物质。避免用快餐盒打包滚烫的食物。别用微波炉煮碗装方便面。

PC其它类
常见水壶、太空杯、奶瓶。百货公司常用这样材质的水杯当赠品。很容易释放出有毒的物质双酚A，对人体有害。使用时不要加热，不要在阳光下直晒。

(ZT)关于变形金刚。。。

363426397@qq.com(好玩~！捏捏~) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 12:57:05 GMT

变形金刚，小时候非常喜欢的一部动画片。。。
因为一直没有看全所以一直对变形金刚的起源和历史不太清楚，终于在网上找到一篇介绍变形金刚历史的好文呀！
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
相信与变形金刚有关的最早生命应该是至尊太君，他到底是什么已经无从考证，现在只知道他掌握着无比先进的科学。他倾其所有制造了宇宙大帝（Unicron）。但是不久后他就发现宇宙大帝是个失败品，他不再听从至尊太君的命令甚至想要取代他。最后至尊太君不得不销毁了宇宙大帝，改变了他的外型，使他看起来象一颗行星。之后他意外的遗失了能毁灭宇宙大帝的具有无穷潜力的钥匙。
而这个钥匙正是掉在了已经有生命形式存在的塞伯特恩（Cybertron）星球上。经过数万年的演化，一种现在称做五面怪（Five Faces of Darkness）的生物统治了塞伯特恩。随后的几百万年里他们进化的更加完美，并分离出了一种称做古怪老的生物。没有多久这些五面怪们就掌握了先进的科学技术，于是他们为自己生产了许多奴隶，使自己摆脱一切劳作，进而变的又贪婪又懒惰。
为了更好的为自己工作，以及维护自己的权利和驱逐外层空间的不安定因素，这些五面怪为自己的这群奴隶进行明确的分工。于是两条生产线出现在塞伯特恩，一条生产军工产品，另一条民用。大量的机器人开始在塞伯特恩出现。
然而这些毫无思想的机器人总是无法让他们满意，五面怪们绞尽脑汁之后在塞伯特恩的深处制造出了集合塞伯特恩科技精华且能够赋予机器人头脑的新仪器：魔力神球（Vector Sigma）。这之后第一批能独立思考，懂得学习的机器人出现了，他们大部分是民用机器人，钛师傅（Alpha Trion）就是魔力神球第一批受益者中的一员，此时他被称做阿尔法-3。
这些五面怪为魔力神球找了一批守卫，由于懒惰，这批守卫是没有头脑的。而魔力神球的启动装置则按照这第一批机器人的构造制成。他们想以后无须自己动手就能产生一批批的智能机器人奴隶，只是他们没想到自己的懒惰使得他们最终走向灭亡。（后来，钛师傅利用自己的身体启动魔力神球，赋予飞行太保智慧的头脑）
没有多少时间，这些被魔力神球制造的机器人也可以自己制造新的机器人，而且由于他们有了学习的本领，每个新机器人都有长于他们制造者的地方。没有多久塞伯特恩上几乎没有了单纯的无法思考的机器人。同时这些五面怪已经意识到如果任其发展，后果不堪设想。于是他们开始残酷的压榨这些机器人，为了平息暴乱，他们更破例的生产出一批没有头脑但身体高大力量无穷的机器人卫兵。星星点点的反抗很快被镇压了。五面怪恢复了往日的骄横和残暴。
多数的反抗力量来自于民用机器人，他们虽然不善于打仗，但是他们的科技水平却远远的超过了五面怪。他们采取游击的方式打击五面怪，时而*军工机器人掩护自己，与此同时民用机器人分离出了一种身体娇小，行动灵活的机器人，现在我们称之为女汽车人。其中最著名的是由钛师傅亲手制造的贝塔。之后的一段时间里大批的民用机器人和军工机器人被销毁，由魔力神球制造的第一批智能机器人所剩无几。
为了区分这些奴隶和离间两部分机器人，五面怪为民用机器人和军工机器人设计了明显的标志，并强迫他们佩带。小伎俩见效后的五面怪继续他们的残暴统治。许多军工机器人也产生不满情绪。复仇的种子已经开始萌发，反抗的力量正在积蓄。
a-3（钛师傅）就是在这个时期成为了民用机器人的领导者的，经过周密策划的大战爆发了，由于钛师傅和贝塔的英明领导，塞伯特恩上大部分都市被解放了，许多军工机器人也加入近来。措手不及的五面怪依*强大的机器人卫兵的力量负隅顽抗，很快又夺回大部分领土。就在反抗军准备进行一次大规模反攻时，钛师傅不见了。随后，找寻钛师傅的贝塔救回了五位带着奴隶标志的机器人（录音机Blaster、发条Rewind、钢钳Ramhorn、罗嗦Blurr、营救车Wreck-Gar），发现他们拥有一种奇特的本领：可以把身体变换为另一形态。
接着在他们的帮助下他们按原计划进攻五面怪，在最后一刻钛师傅出现，最终取得决定性的胜利，然而那五位奇特的机器人已经踪影皆无。随后他们势如破竹很快就完全解放了塞伯特恩，那些五面怪全部逃离。他们逃到称为“昆塔沙”（Quintessa）的星球上雇佣了大批鲨鱼精做保镖，继续他们的残暴统治，并希望有一天夺回塞伯特恩。
这以后的几百万年里两派机器人和平相处，越来越多的机器人开始习惯于佩带两派的标志，两派机器人分别称自己为：民用机器人为汽车人(autobot)，军工机器人为霸天虎(deceptcons)。少数的机器人卫兵也被重新编排程序后得以再生，之后的大力金刚就是这么产生的。这段时期被后来的变形金刚们称为“黄金时代”，是塞伯特恩科技飞跃的一个时期。很多机器人成为科学研究者。比较突出的是一个六人组合（就是后来的挖地虎。不过此时他们既不会变形也不会组合），他们建造了闻名塞伯特恩的繁华都市——水晶城堡(Crystal City)！
霸天虎的量产型机器人之一的红蜘蛛和没有派别的天火就是一对好朋友。象汽车人的铁皮(Ironhide) ，救护车（Ratchet），大汉（Brawn），敌无双(Devcon)，杯子（cup)等等和霸天虎的威震天(megatron)（不过不能变形也不象后来那么强大而已），震荡波（Shockwave），声波(soundwave)等等大抵都是这时出现的……这时，那位称做阿尔法-3的机器人以钛师傅的姿态重新出现，原来他找到了至尊太君丢弃的钥匙，他虽然不知道这东西原来是什么，但经过研究后知道他有无限的潜力，是智慧和力量的集合。
于是他和汽车人的智囊把这把钥匙改造了一下，把他称做“领导模块”（Matrix），并推选了一位领袖，让他收藏领导模块。然而好战的程序在军工机器人体内躁动，不断有袭击事件在塞伯特恩出现。
由一小拨贪图权利的好战分子挑起的争端终于在塞伯特恩展开。生性不善战斗的汽车人被他们凶恶的对手打败了。很多汽车人逃离了塞伯特恩。一些勇敢的幸存者采取了新的战术，经过调整汽车人首领英明的把大部分的汽车人都团结在一起，向他们的死敌进行了反击，并展开一系列可怕的战争。好几次双方都宣称胜利，可并不持久，因此双方各有胜负。霸天虎的诡计颠覆了好几个汽车人的首领。此时的战斗还是以局部的形式存在，战火并未燃烧到整个塞伯特恩。还有一些地方的霸天虎和无派别机器人处于和平状态。
象挖地虎的六名成员就不想卷进战火，由于害怕战火会蔓延到水晶城堡，他们请求大力金刚和他们一起守护水晶城。霸天虎虽然好战，但是由于没有统一的领导，使得他们一时无法翻身。由于战火的推动，此时的科技发展方向全部是以战斗利益为上的。汽车人发明了变形的本领（多少是受曾来过的六位汽车人的启发）；而霸天虎则掌握了飞行的本领，更“请求”霸天虎的杰出科学家们——挖地虎——来应用这些新技术。威震天就是最大的受益者！虽然威震天的强大使得霸天虎在一个时期里捷报频传，但是大多数的霸天虎却不承认他是霸天虎的领袖。于是威震天制造了一台改装机(Robosmasher)。
最初是无派别机器人的声波和霸天虎成员震荡波就成了他的第一批忠实卫兵，在摧毁了这一代汽车人首领后他们四处搜刮能源。用以壮大他的那些没有思想的机器人部队。很快，霸天虎也学会了变形。
在这个时期里，并未隶属于威震天的古代霸天虎的一支队伍曾经在银河系范围内作过考察，并曾经到过地球，在那里留下了一支部队（后来的机器昆虫）。事实上他们在银河系的大多星球上都留有自己的部队。也许是什么原因，这支古代霸天虎的考察部队没有能回到塞伯特恩，只把一些星球的坐标发了回去。被当时无派别的天火收到，于是他开始筹划做一次星际考察。
大约900万年前的某个时期。在一个没有卷进战火的能源仓库的码头，汽车人奥立安•派克斯(Orion Pax)认为战争应该有机器卫兵去管，和自己无关，同时他还很崇拜能够飞行并且强大的威震天。可是，就在他向威震天伸出友好之手时，威震天却洗劫了能源库。杀死了所有的机器人包括奥立安的女朋友艾里尔(Aerial)后扬长而去。被威震天的诡计骗到这里的飞行太保(Aerialbots)的成员目睹了一切。并及时把奥立安和艾里尔送到钛师傅那里。经过重新修复，奥立安以擎天柱(optimus prime)重生了！而艾里尔也以艾丽塔(Elita One)的形式再生。飞行太保炸毁了能源仓库本想和威震天的部队同归于尽，不过在最后时刻，他们被救回了正常的时代。而威震天的部队则大受损失。
同时钛师傅把保存在己处的领导模块交给了擎天柱，于是新一代汽车人首领诞生了！这之后不久，我们熟悉的第一代汽车人战士基本上都出现了，比如探长（Hound），警车（prowl），蓝霹雳（Blue Streak），横炮（Sideswipe），幻影（Mirage）和开路先锋（Trailbreaker）等等；象照相机（Reflector），轰隆隆（Rumble）等磁带兵都是这时出现的，而象红蜘蛛那种量产型机器人出现了改进型——即喷气机，推进器类型的机器人等——也在这个时期出现。值得一提的是此时还有相当一部分仍然不会变形的机器人（后来的头领战士的头部）仍在不断出现，他们身体小巧无法适应战火，大部分都销毁了，于是以后再没有类似的机器人出现。
威震天失去了自己的部队后又利用改装机改造了不少霸天虎。最后在改造挖地虎并毁掉水晶城的时候出现了点以外，虽然他把挖地虎组合成了大力神但是改装机却被破坏。即便如此，此时的霸天虎已经几乎都效忠于威震天了。此时的天火认为已经准备充分，于是邀请好友红蜘蛛一起到银河系的另一端考察，不过天火由于一颗行星上的风暴而消失在这颗星球上，回程后的红蜘蛛立刻加入威震天的部队，成为霸天虎的战士。
此时大战全面爆发。大战期间，不少变形金刚都被迫离开家园：当时还年轻的杯子逃到了有“混沌怪”出现的星球上，而敌无双是被指派追捕特定霸天虎而离开塞伯特恩的，而那些小型不会变形的机器人在福特的带领下也离开了母星，他们在玛斯塔星上定居，并最终进化为头领战士。
在塞伯特恩善与恶之间的战争一直持续了很长时间。大约四百万年前，连续不断的战争耗尽了星球几乎所有的能源。面对死亡的威胁，汽车人做出了不屈的斗争。但是由于能源紧缺，汽车人首领擎天柱决定带领大部分汽车人去宇宙寻找新的出路。霸天虎的镭射密探把情况报告了威震天，于是威震天带领本部霸天虎追击汽车人。在太阳系的小行星带附近，汽车人的方舟（ark）发现了霸天虎的暴影号（Nemesis），霸天虎登上方舟，双方在外层空间展开激战，最终方舟失控坠落在一颗太阳系的行星上，方舟和其中的所有变形金刚停止运作……
大约四百万年之后地球时间的1984年，圣希拉力火山喷发，把方舟内的超级计算机显象屏一号唤醒，于是显象屏一号根据他扫描到的该星球上的物体对方舟内他触手可及的机器人（霸天虎的闹翻天）进行修复和改造。随后在霸天虎的红蜘蛛的告别行动中，汽车人也被改造重生了。于是战场转向这颗称做“地球”的行星。擎天柱带领汽车人在地球人的帮助下继续同霸天虎战斗。威震天很快建立了从地球通往塞伯特恩的“太空桥”并建立了海底基地。被冰峰了好几百万年的天火被救出，并加入汽车人。
在这期间，威震天找到了古代霸天虎留在地球上的霸天虎分支----机器昆虫；曾梦想利用太空桥把塞泊特恩纳入地球的卫星轨道；后来还要把纽约变为自己的新帝国都市；甚至从地心吸取能源；甚至设计把汽车人赶出了地球，但最终均告失败。而这期间有大量的新生力量出现，尤其是组合部队。
大约在2010年，塞伯特恩已经被霸天虎完全占据，而汽车人只*塞伯特恩的两颗卫星固守。威震天偷袭了去往地球的汽车人飞船并凭其骗过汽车人地球方面的关卡。一场生死搏斗展开。在这场战役里，许多包括擎天柱在内的许多汽车人受伤死去。而受伤的霸天虎包括威震天在内被遗弃后遇到了经过亿万年自我修复的宇宙大帝。宇宙大帝侦测到能够毁灭自己的钥匙已经成为汽车人的领导模块了，于是他修复了这些受伤的霸天虎并要求他们去毁掉领导模块。于是新一轮的战斗打响了。在这次大战里宇宙大帝想要毁灭塞伯特恩，但是被被领导模块唤醒的补天士（Rodimus Prime）利用领导模块的力量摧毁……
战败的霸天虎逃到查尔星上苟延残喘。五面怪趁机利用霸天虎和汽车人厮杀，妄图夺回塞伯特恩。但最终计划搁浅。之后战斗转向宇宙，由惊破天（Galvatron）率领的新生霸天虎继续到处作恶。而汽车人的首领补天士由起初的彷徨和怀疑自己的能力问题到最后终于建立自信领导汽车人粉碎了霸天虎的一次由一次的阴谋。
一次偶然事件使疯狂症在地球蔓延，几乎所有人类和变形金刚都被感染，并迅速向宇宙蔓延。残存的五面怪决定重新救活擎天柱，最后擎天柱利用领导模块的无穷潜力终结了疯狂症。惊破天终于宣布停战，旷日持久的战事终于结束了……（至此，美版金刚的历史结束了。后面还有《重生》的，不过国内没有播。然后就是《头领战士》了……）